Today

Today, my father died.

Six Month Update on 30 While 30

1. Visit the ocean. Big plans for this towards the end of the year. 
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Volunteer in my community. I started a program where I tutor recent immigrants in reading.
4. Forgive and forget about Ken. Work-in-progress. Great strides here. I've received calls and emails from him and I just ignore.  It.feels.so.good.
5. Read 30 books. Hmmm. . . I’ve read about 10 books since my birthday. Passed 30 books.
6. Make a terrarium.
7. Visit Yellow Springs, Ohio.
8. Organize my living room. Work-in-progress. Fail.
9. Organize my bedroom. Work-in-progress. Fail
10. Drink water. Everyday. Lots of it. Working on this!
11. Wear lipstick or lip gloss more often. Winning! Everyday, friends, I wear some! Having Birchbox helps a lot too!
12. Spend (at least) one weekend a month with my mom. So far, I’ve accomplished at least twice-a-month visits. Big changes on the horizon, so I've been spending EVERY weekend in Cincinnati.
13. Take my grandma to visit her sister-in-law in the spring. Fail. My grandmother's SIL passed away a few months ago.  :(
14. Visit my cousin's special education class.
15. Load lots of music onto my mom's MP3 player. I downloaded lots of music, I just need to put it on her MP3 player. Done and done.
16. See at least one opera. Done! Saw La Traviata in July. 
17. Take Katie to see a play.
18. Go to an art museum.
19. See a 3-D movie.
20. Go to a play. Done! Saw a play in July (same weekend I went to the Opera).
21. Buy a bottle of the wine I had on vacation.
22. Give Charles an amazing birthday present.
23. Wash and vacuum my car at least once month. So far, so good!
24. Visit at least one city park. I’ve visited several city parks, and I take Scooter to the dog park at least once a week. My favorite is a metro park with a boat dock and stone bridges and the children's garden downtown. 
25. Pack my lunch for an entire month. April is the month to do this! So far, so good. Fail
26. Use the crockpot 12 times.
27. Celebrate my mom's 60th birthday with something special. I don't know how special it was, but I'm planning a trip to Savannah over Christmas holiday. Does that count?
28. Adopt a rescue dog. Scooter was adopted in March 2012!!Love me some Scoot! Things are going so well with him, he's stopped the accidents in the house and hasn't chewed up a shoe in a months (knock on wood)!
29. Host a brunch at my apartment. Fail. 
30. Go to a comedy club. 

Okay, so nine out of 30, that makes a completion rate of 30%. Six months left to finish the list!

Grueling Pace

It's Sunday night and I'm working.  I'm writing up a section for a big annual report.  It was due Thursday at 5pm.  At the last minute I had to present on Thursday afternoon and then do another presentation on Friday morning, so this got pushed back to now.  I just want to finish it.  It's the last little bit and then I get a break from the grueling pace for a few days.  Whenever I think about 'grueling pace' I'm reminded of playing Oregon Trail in the 4th grade- when you could set the pace of your settlers.  Grueling pace was an option to get them there faster, but it also meant they were susceptible to illness and accidents.  My grueling pace has been working in the office all day, running home to take Scooter out, eating a quick dinner and then working on data until about 3 or 4 am, sleeping a few hours, shower, take Scooter out, go to work.  Exhausted!  I just have to get this little bit done tonight and then tomorrow finish up on some data. 

I did take a break yesterday to go out with a friend.  We had margaritas, went to see a roller derby game, and had Thai food.  It was just what I needed!  A little break and back to the salt mines.  Okay, and I did take another beak today to take Scooter to the dog park. 

Amidst the busyness, if I'm completely honest, I do still miss K.  It's like a bruise.  I think about him and see how much I hurt.  I'm still sore, but mostly, I'm okay.  The anger and sadness are still there, but not nearly as painful as at the beginning, or even three months ago.  As trite as it sounds, time does make it hurt less. I don't think the hurt will ever go completely away, but thinking about him doesn't cause me so much hurt that I stop breathing. 

Life goes on.

Update on Thirty

Update on the 30 While Thirty

1. Visit the ocean.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Volunteer in my community. I started a program where I tutor recent immigrants in reading.
4. Forgive and forget about Ken. Work-in-progress.
5. Read 30 books. Hmmm. . . I’ve read about 10 books since my birthday.
6. Make a terrarium.
7. Visit Yellow Springs, Ohio.
8. Organize my living room. Work-in-progress.
9. Organize my bedroom. Work-in-progress.
10. Drink water. Everyday. Lots of it.
11. Wear lipstick or lip gloss more often.
12. Spend (at least) one weekend a month with my mom. So far, I’ve accomplished at least twice-a-month visits.
13. Take my grandma to visit her sister-in-law in the spring.
14. Visit my cousin's special education class.
15. Load lots of music onto my mom's MP3 player. I downloaded lots of music, I just need to put it on her MP3 player.
16. See at least one opera.
17. Take Katie to see a play.
18. Go to an art museum.
19. See a 3-D movie.
20. Go to a play.
21. Buy a bottle of the wine I had on vacation.
22. Give Charles an amazing birthday present.
23. Wash and vacuum my car at least once month.
24. Visit at least one city park. I’ve visited several city parks, and I take Scooter to the dog park at least once a week.
25. Pack my lunch for an entire month. April is the month to do this! So far, so good.
26. Use the crockpot 12 times.
27. Celebrate my mom's 60th birthday with something special.
28. Adopt a rescue dog. Scooter was adopted in March 2012!!
29. Host a brunch at my apartment.
30. Go to a comedy club.

Okay, so four out of 30, that makes a completion rate of 13%. I have 10 months left to finish the list.

It is Well

I have been thinking about how I've come to be where I am today. I have a B.A. in Communication Arts, a Master of Social Work from a world renown university. I have a strong professional background. I'm an AmeriCorps alum. I lived in Mexico. My heart has been broken twice. I have a mom who I know loves me so much, and I appreciate that more everyday. I have friends that are always just a phone call away. Parts of my family are truly amazing (the other part, truly dysfunctional). It's become apparent to me how fortunate I am with all that I have. I define what I have not by the material possessions, but by life experiences, education, and the support of people who love me.


Some songs match sentiments exactly.

I think about all I have and wonder why others have little or nothing.

Randomness.

Sometimes, when I can't fall asleep, I bite my fingernails. I wake up to raggedy nails and torn cuticles.

I was just told the deadline to my project was moved up from June 1st to May 1st. That makes a helluva lot of difference. I was told in passing. This has a HUGE impact on my work and I wasn't even told by my boss, just someone who thinks she's my boss (along with thinking she is the boss of the entire universe), happened to tell me. WTF?

I took Scooter to the dog park over the weekend. It was GREAT! He quickly made friends, human and canine alike, and was Mr. Popularity. We both got a lot of exercise and enjoyed being outside.

When I talk to my family, I reference my current city as Cutter Gap. My mom snapped at me on the phone and said "Lay off the Cutter Gap insults, I liked Christy and the people of Cutter Gap."

I read the Hunger Games trilogy last year, and saw the first movie over the weekend. The theme is very allegorical and makes me think of various social justice issues. District 12 seems a lot like Cutter Gap to me.

Big Deal.

Today, I had to have two toenails removed. Horrible experience. Very painful. No numbing shots, just ripped the mothers out. I screamed. Not going to lie, I screamed the F word. It was bad. And I'm not a wuss when it comes to pain. I have a long list of prior painful experiences:

• four wisdom teeth pulled with only a shot of Novocain.
• extensive skin grafting.
• a failed skin graft where nerves were exposed.
• numbing shots to my neck when a line was threaded from my neck to my chest. Twice do to the residents error.

I've experienced pain, and have a fairly high threshold for it. The ripping of the toenails was up there on my Oh-my-goodness-what-the-fuvk-is-this-I-think-I-am-going-to-pass-out.

So, after the awful experience, I called in to work and said I wouldn't be in to the office and went and spent the day with my momma.

Then, Scooter and I chillaxed at home. He's kind of a big deal, you know.

And tomorrow is a new day. Thank goodness!

So, There's This Guy

Who is everything I want to avoid in a "partner." He's ambitious, self-centered, obnoxious, chauvinistic, hard-headed, hard-hearted, hard-bodied. He annoys the hell out of me. He laughs at all of my insults and never takes anything serious. It's infuriating.

I've really been missing K. The spring always reminds me of him. I kept my self so busy when I broke up with him- a new car, new job, new apartment, new city. I had to fill my life with things that kept me busy and I never really took time to be sad and get over him. You know that feeling when you think you're going to throw up? Your stomach lurches and your breathe comes in a gasp and then the up heave begins? Yeah, that describes me right now. Lurching stomachs and up heaves. Pretty imagery.

Back to this new guy. He really does infuriate me. So, this morning, I sent him a list of the reasons I don't like him. I'm so sweet myself, I know.

#24. Visit at Least One City Park

On Sunday morning, Scooter and I got up early and went to a local metro park. It's very close, about a mile away from where I live. It's beautiful. What constitutes its beauty? Lots of things, but my favorite is that there's a lake with stone bridges!

Scooter greatly enjoyed our visit to the park. I have to be honest though, driving with him stresses me out. I need to buy a harness, because his flipping back and forth in the seats is distracting and agitating to me. Otherwise, it was a very enjoyable day at the park. Scooter let some kids pet him and he didn't try to chase too many geese.


After the park, I needed some coffee. I drove around the big university here in town, because I had once spotted a cool looking coffee shop that sells fair-trade coffee, but I couldn't find it. And remember how I said riding with Scooter is distracting? Well, I didn't want to add to my distractions by pulling out the GPS system. Driving in an unfamiliar area + a jumpy dog + fumbling with GPS does not equate to safe driving conditions. So, we headed home where Scooter took his post at the front window and barked at everything that caught his eye.

Real Conversation

At the Student Union with my colleague (who mistakenly thinks she's my boss) and the temp admin assistant (60-something male).

Colleague: Oh, J, I am just noticing your nails are painted a gray color.

Me: Oh, yeah, I wanted something a bit different.

Admin: Looks nice. Some girls today will get wild with different colors on each nail.

Colleague: I don't like colored nails. At all.

Me: Well, each person is different.

Colleague: And who has the time to do that anyway?

Admin: You mean you can't take an hour to treat yourself to a manicure?

Colleague: No, I am much too busy. But who does have time for that??


Yes, I find time to paint my nails. I also find time to have lunch with my grandma, go to the movies with my girlfriends, go out with my cousin, walk my dog on rainy days, call my mom every afternoon, and I even find the time to read books. Why is it a war to see who is the busiest? The person who is the most stressed out and overworked gets a prize?

Unfit.

There was a big event at work this week. I had to attend various dinners and receptions on most nights this week. Yesterday was the big event. I got up, put Scooter in his raincoat and took a brief walk through the neighborhood. I knew I'd be home a bit later, so I let him linger in the vacant lot a few streets over, letting him get his fill of the outside before being crated for the better part of the day. We came back to the apartment, I got ready and ventured out into the rainy day. I had to stop at another university on my way to the Big Event, and rain + city traffic + college students + time constraints = me getting frazzled.

Finally, I made it to the Big Event. I went through the workshops and sat through a great keynote speaker, who mentioned me (me?! the lowest degree holder in the room) and a conversation we had the previous night at dinner. Then there was a long workshop that went over. It was supposed to be done by 4, but ran on until 5. And then there was a reception. I kept thinking about Scooter Pooter (Charles' nickname for him) in the crate and quickly ducked out of the reception and hurried home.

I got home, immediately took Scooter out for a longer walk and came back and made dinner. I needed to go to Target to get cat litter and some treats for Scooter. Scooter loves riding in the car. Plus, I was feeling guilty for Scooter being in the crate most of the day, so I took him with me to Target.

I was in Target about 25 minutes. I grabbed a few things, including some tougher toys and a kong to put treats in for Scooter, and came out to the car. What I found was Scooter had broken his leash in two and broken the flashlight that was attached to the leash handle and he ate a pack of gum. I drove home and once home, gave Scooter his kong filled with peanut butter to see how he did with it. A friend called and I mentioned Scooter had eaten some gum while I was in Target.

"Sugar-free?" She asked.
"Um, probably. Why?" I said.
"Sugar-free gum has a chemical in it that is highly toxic to dogs."

I rushed out to the car and got the package. Yep, "sugar-free with Xylitol" right on the package. I called a 24-hour Vet Clinic and a vet called me back within three minutes. I explained that it had probably been about an hour since he ate the gum, that he is two years old, around 10 to 12 pounds, that I'm a failure and unfit.

When I told her he wasn't displaying any signs of low blood sugar, she told me to get some hydrogen peroxide, give him 4 tablespoons and make him throw up. I told her I didn't have any hydrogen peroxide, she told me to get some ASAP, go to the store and take Scooter and make him throw up in the parking lot. If he didn't throw up, call her back and she would meet me at the clinic.

I threw on my shoes, grabbed Scooter and raced to Kroger. I bought the hydrogen peroxide and raced out to the car. I drove to a grassy area, poured approximately 4 tablespoons into a bowl and made Scooter drink it. He only drank about half of it, so I had to put him on the hood of the car, pry open his mouth and squirt it in, which of course, resulted in getting some in his eye. Huge fucking fail.

And then I walked him around the grass, stroked him, and talked to him. I try to coax him to drink a bit more. After several minutes, he started to throw up.

Hallelujah!

He threw up, we walked some more, then went home and he played as if nothing was wrong and was soon snoring under the covers. I, of course, stayed up half the night, looking for signs of low blood sugar and waking him up occasionally to make sure all was right.

I feel so unfit to be a "puppy parent." I can't believe he ate the gum and that I didn't know sugar-free gum can be lethal to dogs. Epic fail. I am so glad that he's okay and nothing horrible happened.

Thirty While Thirty: #28 Scooter

28. Adopt a Rescue Dog

I have been wanting and preparing to adopt a dog for the past several months. I've wanted a dog for years. A cute little French Bulldog or a Poodle/Schnauzer mix, like Colleen, my dog growing up. Or a Yorkie. I had several images in my head of the dog that I'd bring home when the time was right.


Enter Scooter. He's not what I pictured at all, but he's perfect for me! He's an adorable 2 year old Dachshund mix. He's soooo well-behaved. Crate-trained, house broken, loves to snuggle and is not a barker. His personality is happy-go-lucky and super laid back. Did I tell you how much in love I am with him?



He was pulled from a high-kill shelter in West Virginia and was being fostered through a private animal rescue group. I spent Saturday visiting with my mom and had plans to go out to a play with some girlfriends in the evening. While out running errands with my mom, I stopped in PetSmart to get cat food and walked out with a dog. I took him under a week of fostering, to make sure he meshes well with Alex before making the permanent commitment.



Not gonna lie- Alex is not that thrilled with sharing his kingdom. There's been just one little spat between them. I closely monitor both of them at all times and yesterday (as shown above) we spent some time chillaxing on the bed. I did some work and they slept. Scooter (by the way, that's the name he came with and answers to), is open to Alex, and Alex is a bully. Yes, I've raised a bully. Alex will walk over to Scooter and hiss and growl. I caught Alex doing that while Scooter was in his crate last night. Also, throughout the night, Alex will slowly stalk Scooter and I woke up several times to find Alex peering at Scooter's sleeping body. I still give Alex love and make sure I have one-on-one time with him. It's just going to take an adjustment and we're working on it each day.

Well, I can cross one (gigantic) thing off of the Thirty While Thirty List.

Procrastination.

I am a horrible procrastinator. I wait until the very last minute to finish projects or, honestly start and finish a project. I wait until the midnight hour to work on reports or presentations. Of course, I will have spent plenty of time thinking about what I should do, say, or write, but I never put those things into action until the last minute.

Like today.

But, here are some things I am loving:


Downton Abbey. It's good. My description can't do it justice. I kept hearing about it, and finally decided to watch it over the weekend.


The Hyacinth I bought for my office is starting to bloom. Hyacinths are one of my favorite flowers.


Alex. He looks adorable and peaceful when he sleeps. Based on this picture, one wouldn't believe the stories of how aggressive and destructive he can be at times.

That's enough procrastinating for now.

Thirty While Thirty

1. Visit the ocean.
2. Lose 30 pounds.
3. Volunteer in my community.
4. Forgive and forget about Ken.
5. Read 30 books.
6. Make a terrarium.
7. Visit Yellow Springs, Ohio.
8. Organize my living room.
9. Organize my bedroom.
10. Drink water. Everyday. Lots of it.
11. Wear lipstick or lip gloss more often.
12. Spend (at least) one weekend a month with my mom.
13. Take my grandma to visit her sister-in-law in the spring.
14. Visit my cousin's special education class.
15. Load lots of music onto my mom's MP3 player.
16. See at least one opera.
17. Take Katie to see a play.
18. Go to an art museum.
19. See a 3-D movie.
20. Go to a play.
21. Buy a bottle of the wine I had on vacation.
22. Give Charles an amazing birthday present.
23. Wash and vacuum my car at least once month.
24. Visit at least one city park.
25. Pack my lunch for an entire month.
26. Use the crockpot 12 times.
27. Celebrate my mom's 60th birthday with something special.
28. Adopt a rescue dog.
29. Host a brunch at my apartment.
30. Go to a comedy club.

A Moment of Insight

Rational thought has come to me, and as it doesn't happen often, I felt I should document the occurrence.

Today, I spent the day with my mom, Katie, my four-year-old cousin, and Janie, my 19 year-old friend that has Down Syndrome. It was a good day that involved lunch, the bookstore, and ended with birthday cake.

Funny side note, when I picked up Janie we were talking about birthdays and how today we were celebrating my birthday. Several times I emphasized that it was MY day, to which Janie replied it was "our day."

After I arrived back home and was settling down for the night, my friend called me. I returned on Wednesday from a vacation with this friend. We've been friends for almost 12 years, over a third of our lives. We go back-and-forth with having a romantic relationship, or rather I go back-and-forth as he's always made his intentions clear.

Prior to receiving his nightly phone call, I was thinking back to my recent vacation. It was an amazing time and my friend spared no expense to make sure I had a wonderful vacation and birthday. He thoughtfully planned an amazing time and made sure that it was centered around me. Dinner reservations were made with my tastes in mind. We even drove over half of the city looking for shoes I wanted. My birthday presents were phenomenal from him and I'd be lying if I said I didn't adore the way the diamond tennis bracelet sparkles on my wrist or the way the diamond necklace hits just where I like it on my chest. I loved the gifts, of course, but I also loved the time he took to arrange things and how he tried so hard to make me laugh and have a good time.

But, in the back of my head, there's a nagging voice that keeps saying "he doesn't really like you, you know." Suddenly doubt floods me. I start making a case, I go through the time we spent together and try to decipher if he really likes me. Well, there was that time when he didn't return my text message for a whole twenty-four hours, flu or no flu! And then he always seems distracted when I'm sitting across from him at dinner. And with his parents, he was strangely quiet, not saying a handful of words.

There's this doubt. And then I add to it my own uncertain feelings. I've known him for 12 years, 30 percent of my life. We met at university and we've stayed good friends, ebbing and flowing in closeness, but always at least on each others peripherals. I don't feel the same passionate, explosive, exhaustive love for him as I did for Ken. I feel fiercely protective of my friend and appreciate his kindness and his love for me. He sends me notes and says "i love you." He ends conversations with "Oh, Jessie, I love you so much." I can't bring my self to reciprocate with the same words. Instead I write "xoxo, jessie" on my cards and quickly change the subject when "I love you" is uttered.

I see a life with my friend, if I want it. Living an upper-middle class lifestyle. Traveling. Nice things. Security. Faithfulness. Laughter. But I don't know if there will be passion, or if mutual kindness and respect is enough to base a life on.

I know this much is true about myself: if I want something, I will do whatever it takes to get it. I just have to want it.

Thirty.

Guess who is thirty?



Alex is not impressed with much. Least of all, a birthday.

I had a great birthday celebration. It started in January and the celebration is showing no signs of stopping. Here is where I spent the day before my birthday:



I touched sharks and saw Beluga whales and saw dolphins. And, of course, my favorite:

Four for Friday

1. It's the small things that I make big. I received great feedback from an evaluation report I did on a workshop held in December. The P.I. said how great it was in front of the entire team. Then someone else said it was "terrific" and a third person said it was "beautifully-done."

2. I am having brunch with two of my best friends tomorrow. And there will be presents! Giving and receiving!

3. I was ask to adjunct a class in the fall!!

4. I spent an evening at a spa to kick-off birthday month. Amazing.

Time with You.

My mom came to visit me this past weekend. We had grand plans of organizing and fixing up my new apartment. Not much got accomplished with hanging pictures, unpacking boxes, or organizing the kitchen. When I was driving my mom home, I told her that we really didn't complete anything on our to-do list.

She replied, "But you spent two days with your mom."

And that is good.