Saturday Mornings

I've always loved Saturday mornings. When I was little, Saturday mornings were about Saturday Morning Cartoons, rough housing with my brothers, my mom and dad making breakfast and then spending the day outside playing. In high school Saturday mornings were about catching up on glorious sleep, waking up and spending a few hours in bed with a book. College Saturday mornings were about sleeping off the night before or working. In graduate school, leisurely Saturday mornings were few and far between, but they'd involve breakfast with roommates, trips to the farmers market, running to the library.

And then there's Now Saturday Mornings. And even Now Saturday Mornings get divided into With-K and Without-K. With-K Saturday Mornings were amazing (of course!). We'd lay in bed, do errands, go to the zoo, the parks, the botanical gardens, farmers market, ride bikes, just do fun things. Without-K Saturday Mornings are b-o-r-i-n-g. Boring. I try to be peppy and make plans for brunch with friends or do errands, something to distract me about the fact that it is Saturday morning and K's not here. One thing K and I would do on some Saturday mornings is go to Forest Park and watch the wedding party pictures. K does not like doing it, but would grudgingly sit with me for a bit before moving on, and after an argument about watching the pictures take place, I remember thinking "fine, when he's gone, I'll come by myself and sit here the entire morning and watch."

I can't. I don't know why, but the things that we did together, I avoid as much as possible. I avoid the Botanical Gardens, that I l-o-v-e and spent a lot of time there before I was with K. The restaurants K and I frequented, I forget they exist, instead preferring to try new ones that are not associated with K. I think the reason I avoid these things is because they're a painful reminder that K is not here. And while I can hear my mom saying to me, "Oh, but be happy with the memories you have there and that you had a chance to make those memories," the truth is, the memories are hurtful of what I don't have right now.

So, it's Saturday morning. I was prepped to go to the Botanical Gardens, but then decided against it. Maybe I won't get up the nerve to go to the Botanical Gardens or Art Museum today, but I promise myself I will get out of the yoga pants and do something.