Highs and Lows

The moving van is arriving in 48 hours.

I'm not packed.

I have tons of loose ends to finish before I leave.

My office gave me a farewell party today. It was there that I realized that I'm leaving. I've been so busy distracting myself from everyday life that it just kind of hit me. My project manager was a beast, but I made some good friends at the office and will really miss them.

I took another job offer. I felt torn between both places and asked for advice from so many different people. I took the position that will be working in a university setting. I am going to use these next two years as my rebuilding years. Hey, if the Bengals can say they've been rebuilding for the past 15 years, I can take two years, right?

Sometimes, I let the reality of life without K settle on me. There's relief mostly, but there is some sadness and hurt. I had painted this picture of how life was going to be and how things would turn out. Yes, I know that picture would have never turned into reality and I'm working on letting go.

AlexCat and I have been spending lots of time together. I never, ever pegged myself for a cat person and I don't actually like other cats, but I am in love with Alex. He has this huge personality in his huge cat body. He watches over me when I sleep, he whines when he wants wet food, he whines when he wants attention, he whines when he wants to play. So, he might be a little bit of a whiner and maybe a little bit high maintenance. Birds of a feather, we flock together!

Laughter.

Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday- every night I've been out on the town with friends.

Earlier in the week, I could barely get out of bed, and actually, for a few days, I didn't get out of bed. But I needed that time, just like I needed to get out and see this city before I leave it behind.

On Friday night, while out with a girlfriend, I was asked out by a man. I declined as we were stuck in traffic and the man was hanging out of the cab of his pick up truck. And while I was a little turned off by his gold grill, the experience had me laughing so hard it dislodged some of my sadness.

Saturday night, I went out with a guy friend. He also had me laughing so hard while we were eating dinner that another piece of hurt came loose.

When I stopped and thought about it, I haven't laughed a lot recently. Ending things with K is like a weight has been lifted off of me and I can breathe easier and deeper- no more shallow puffs of air.

A week ago, I thought it was all over, my life devastated. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times that a pain will hit me, but I know it's going to be okay. Actually, it's going to be better than before.

Keep Breathing.

Keep breathing and keep busy. Those are the two things that are helping me tremendously. Closing the door and forcing myself to move forward is what I’ve been focusing on. I took a few days off of work, spent that time regrouping and have been pouring myself into preparing for the future.

I got a very nice email from a close friend. We tried the dating thing and it didn’t work out, but we’re still friends. He’s far away (story of my life, eh?) but we catch up regularly.

The good things about you!
• Kind - this can be seen from what you did for me from the assignment to the medicines, to the hard disk money.
• Caring - you like to help which might even go to the extreme.
• Loving - you love a lot and if you find your perfect match, he will be the luckiest person to get you.
• Honest - I am sure that you are very honest!
• truthful - by nature you are not liar. You don't lie
• romantic - you are good romantic life!
• beautiful - you have a very good look. Take care of it.
• reliable - when you say I do something, you do it.
• punctual - you are very punctual and very strict on it.
• Intelligent - you are academically intelligent and on work too!
• Hard working - you work very hard. You even work as a nanny to earn more money while you are a university staff.

There might be more but this is what i remember.

The line of ‘you have a very good look. Take care of it.’ makes me smile every time I read it. How does one take care of their good looks?

Day Two.

Let’s quickly recap Day One:

I went to Urgent Care as the stomach pain in stomach kept increasing. Dx: ulcer + infection. Tx: I.V. fluids + antibiotics + an acid blocker.

I also started taking this sell my old car and move thing seriously. Went to the BMV and changed over the license. I was then fleeced by the moving company I had scheduled last week. Their fee magically doubled when I went to pay the deposit. I felt the ulcer bleed a little bit harder as I realized I have two weeks to move my stuff and no movers. Oh, did you know I live on the fourth floor?

I slept in the middle of my bed. Normally, I always sleep on the same side, and hug the edge. Well, last night, I put my pillows right in the middle of the bed and slept there. Alex enjoyed the change. He had plenty of space to stretch out.

Day Two.
I went through some clothes to give to Goodwill.

I try to reformulate a plan for my move.

Took a trip to City Hall to get my personal property tax paperwork so I can file
paperwork to get more paperwork for my car. [Side note: What is up with public employees? Do these workers take a class on how to be rude and asinine or is that personality trait a requirement for the jobs?]

I cleaned up the apartment and took pictures of the things I am selling and made a little Craigslist Draft.

I cuddled with Alex. He’s usually not a cuddler, so I think he’s taking one for the team and letting me cuddle with him and practice my Swedish animal massage techniques on him.

And most importantly for Day Two- the despair isn’t so overwhelming. I can breathe, I can think about tomorrow, I can slowly feel my excitement growing about my pending move to Cincinnati.

Day One.

My relationship with K is over. A few days ago, I received facebook messages from a woman in PNG that has been having an affair with K since last year. She wrote and told me the intimate details and that she is having his baby. K confirmed it. I thought I was devastated then, but then more details came out and it seems his infidelity has stretched since we’ve been together. How could I have been so naïve? So trusting? So stupid?!

When it came crashing down, I packed a bag and AlexCat and went home to my momma. I told my mom and a few of my closest friends and family. While my mom has always had misgivings about him, my friends were truly shocked. I think they have a harder time putting together the same person that dazzled them at our engagement party and on visits to Cincinnati is the same womanizing, lying, manipulating person. Lesson learned: trust my mom, listen to my mom.

The past few days, a roller coaster of emotions have hit me. I don’t like feelings, so to be overwhelmed by hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, and a hundred other emotions is too much for me. Each day, I’d check my email and there would be a message from K wanting “to work things out.” Each email would be another stab of the knife in the stomach.

Today is Day One of Operation: Move On. I sent K an email asking him not to contact me anymore, I’ve blocked all of his emails, I went around my apartment and took down all pictures, momentos, gifts, even the shirt and tie he wore to his graduation- it’s all gone.

Right now, as hard as all of this is, I am a bit thankful that it happened while he was away, before we were married, before there were babies. Letting go of this picture of how my life was going to be with him has been very hard. I held on so tight to what I wanted, to make the time and distance bearable. I held on to it too tightly; I defied the unhappiness, the verbal and emotional duress.

I have to keep moving on.

One-two-three-four.

Some big developments have been occurring.

One.
I got a new job.

Two.
I resigned from my current job.

Three.
I'm moving.

Four.
I bought a car.