$497 Ticket to Ride the Merry-Go-Round

It’s the middle of the night and I’m waiting for K to arrive back to where he can access the internet so we can have a few minutes to skype. Starting last weekend, I had begun to feel bad with severe fatigue and sinus pain, and chalked it up to sinus and/or allergy issues. Monday, was a particularly unpleasant day with a headache and sinus pressure. Again, I thought it was nothing that some Dayquil couldn’t fix, until I was driving home and these sharp pains started in the back of my head and into my ears and my nose started bleeding. As soon as I got back from my site visit, the next morning I went to UrgentCare and the dx was a sinus infection and an ear infection. While the antibiotic seems to have cleared up the infections, the fatigue isn’t gone. I usually wake up around 6am, but this weekend, I slept in until 9 both days. I just can’t shake the exhaustion. So, tonight, K called at 1am and now I’m awake, awaiting his plane 9,000 miles away to land and for him to get back to the office so we can talk.

If the subject matter of the topic wasn’t so important, I would just go back to sleep. But, I don’t think you can call someone at 1am, tell them life-altering news and expect them to go back to sleep, when suddenly everything has changed.

By the way, did I mention my cell phone bill is $497? Yep. Huge mistakes.

Maybe I shouldn’t be writing when it’s after 2 am, I’m exhausted and frustrated. The thing is, I am so frustrated and exhausted. This relationship with K is a horrible, god-awful mess and I don’t think it’s salvageable at this point. I hate the feelings the end of a relationship bring- the unease, the discomfort, the utter sadness. I have worked my absolute hardest to cobble this relationship together across the miles, and I can’t do it alone. I shouldn’t have to do it alone. The hardest part of saying goodbye is the back sliding. The ‘okay, it’s over, no more contact’ is soon followed by a text message, and then communication starts up again, and then the vicious cycle of hurt-disappointment-anger-sadness continues again.

I’m going to try to get off this merry-go-round. One more time.