A Letter to Myself

It's so easy to see other people's problems, but difficult to recognize one's own.

As a social worker, as a person, I've seen problems that have cropped up in others' personal relationships. The past several months, I've denied, glossed over and made excuses for the problems in my own relationship. I'm writing this out now, so that in the coming days (okay, hours), weeks and months, when I get the urge to pick up the phone, or send an email or check facebook, I can look at this letter to myself and hopefully find the courage to keep moving and not falter.

Dear Jessica,

First let me tell you that I do understand what you're feeling right now. To love someone so much and work at holding on to a relationship even as it crumbles is painful. But to heal, and to move on, and to be the person you want and need to be, you need to remember these things:

1. No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE, has the right to call you worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, a bitch, an asshole or any other derogatory name. The person who screams at you that you are all those things, doesn't deserve your time, energy and least of all your devotion and excuses for such behavior.

2. As hard as this is to hear, it is better to move on today than a year later or five years later. Each day you waste on trying to salvage this relationship makes you older and more scarred. It's better to be 30 and single than 34 and in a hate-filled, soul-sucking relationship.

3. Let go of the dream. Countless hours have been spent planning and working toward a future, and sadly those dreams have to die. But, they die to make room for something better than what you can imagine right now. It's hard to get the picture of the life you had thought about, that you made choices to work towards, but you have to realize those dreams will not be a reality. If someone is going to call you names, break simple promises and desert you, do you really think that person is going to be a responsible husband and a doting father? Of course not. Move on.

4. You, better than anyone, knows this relationship will not work out. You know by that knot that forms in your gut, the anxiety that is with you always, the sleepless nights. Trust your instincts, they're always spot on and have saved you from disaster many times before, let them save you now.

5. Stop the excuses, for him and for you. To sound cliche, but true, love shouldn't hurt. Love isn't about controlling someone, dominating them, demeaning them, being disrespectful. Do not excuse this behavior with anymore of "it's cultural differences" or "it'll be better when we're together." Most importantly, absolutely, right now, stop those confidence robbing thoughts that creep in at your weakest moments, those thoughts of "well, if I was a better person, he'd treat me better." Have you not realized he'd just as easily call Mother Teresa a "worthless piece of trash" just as easily as he called you that? He would.

The writing is on the wall, this relationship has crossed the boundary of just being bad to being abusive. You know this, and you cannot salvage it. We don't need to list out all the names he's called you, all the insults he hurled (oh, except for the one about him threatening to have a baby with someone else and making you raise it), all the times he has lied, broken trust, or disrespected and demeaned you.

This is going to hurt, and every time you read it, it will feel like pulling a medical-grade band aid off:

He doesn't love you. No matter how many times he comes back with "I'll change" and "let's make it work," the truth is he does not love you, he does not value you and he does not care and respect you. I'm sorry, it's the truth.

And as much as that hurt, know this truth as well:

You deserve better. You are lovable. Your life will go on. You deserve happiness, respect, kindness, love, honest. At the very least you deserve these things. And you will get them.

So, you get one day to really cry it out, wallow in the hurt. One day. But honestly, you've cried enough over this stupid bastard that really, there shouldn't be any tears left. You get one day to cry it out and then you have to move on and continue life. Of course, you'll feel sad for a long time and for a while, every single day will start and end with a thought about him, but it will get better.

I promise. And we both know I fight like hell to keep my promises.

Sincerely,

You