For the first time in the last several years, my holidays weren't spent rushing to catch a flight or rushing across the Midwest trying to outrun a winter storm. It was nice for a change to be able to take a bubble bath and read the last few chapters of a novel before having to go to a family function. Of course, there may have been some last minute rushing to find gift bags and tissue paper.
The highlights of my holidays:
Being the first to find out that a good friend of mine and her amazing husband are expecting a baby!
Celebrating Christmas Eve with my extended family. I know how fortunate I am to spend the holiday with people that have known and loved me my entire life.
Spending the day after Christmas playing with one of the cutest four-year-olds I know. We stamped a calendar, we went out to lunch, we went to the pet store, we played beauty shop and we finished the day by playing with some of my old Barbie dolls.
I'm looking forward to the festivities to continue through the week. There are cocktails to be had, resolutions to be made, rules to be broken, laughter that will shake the walls.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Heartburn
Things that I am thinking about:
I'll be in St. Louis for New Year's Eve.
I'm dating someone who is not dysfunctional (there's a first time for everything).
I have a lot of anxiety surrounding some political issues I have been dragged into at the office.
I had dinner with my brother at a sports bar. While watching a football game, he explained the game to me in 30 seconds, and I get it!
My niece left me a message on my voicemail singing Jingle Bells. It is the cutest thing ever and even my coworkers agreed, after I forced them to sit through the 2 minute message.
I hate conflict. I hate conflict so much, I have ended relationships, moved out of apartments, changed my college major and even left jobs to avoid conflict.
I'll be in St. Louis for New Year's Eve.
I'm dating someone who is not dysfunctional (there's a first time for everything).
I have a lot of anxiety surrounding some political issues I have been dragged into at the office.
I had dinner with my brother at a sports bar. While watching a football game, he explained the game to me in 30 seconds, and I get it!
My niece left me a message on my voicemail singing Jingle Bells. It is the cutest thing ever and even my coworkers agreed, after I forced them to sit through the 2 minute message.
I hate conflict. I hate conflict so much, I have ended relationships, moved out of apartments, changed my college major and even left jobs to avoid conflict.
Friday, December 9, 2011
IKEA Enlightenment
On Saturday, I went to IKEA to purchase a few things for my new apartment. As I was standing in line, there was an African-american couple in front of me. I was discreetly (I hope) watching them interact and after several minutes, lightening jolted through me as I came to the realization that life goes on- more specifically people move on, develop relationships with others and life doesn’t stop. Honestly, I suddenly pictured K at IKEA with his girlfriend and another piece of my heart broke.
Later that evening, I called a friend to bemoan my heartache. He listened quietly and then started talking, sharing with me things to make me laugh and he ended the conversation with something he has been telling me for the past eleven years, “Remember, Jessie, you are beautiful and you are loved.”
I tuck the words away, like I always do and keep moving on. At work this week, colleagues mentioned several times that I looked like I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t explain that K and his current girlfriend have been contacting me and that each word they write to me is like a tiny blade in my heart. I just cite staying up late reading or some other excuse and change the subject. On Thursday morning, I looked in the mirror and could see what my colleagues have been referring to, so I took a few extra minutes and used cosmetics to cover up the under eye circles and the anxiety-induced blemishes. When I finally returned home from a grueling day of meetings and presentations and “events,” I took a shower, put on my pajamas, cuddled Alexcat and picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I started the conversation. The conversation lasted well into the night and ended as all of our conversations have for the past eleven years. As I eventually fell asleep, I started to realize how good my life is- that despite having one person break my heart, I have an army of friends and family that are willing to help me put the pieces back together.
Later that evening, I called a friend to bemoan my heartache. He listened quietly and then started talking, sharing with me things to make me laugh and he ended the conversation with something he has been telling me for the past eleven years, “Remember, Jessie, you are beautiful and you are loved.”
I tuck the words away, like I always do and keep moving on. At work this week, colleagues mentioned several times that I looked like I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t explain that K and his current girlfriend have been contacting me and that each word they write to me is like a tiny blade in my heart. I just cite staying up late reading or some other excuse and change the subject. On Thursday morning, I looked in the mirror and could see what my colleagues have been referring to, so I took a few extra minutes and used cosmetics to cover up the under eye circles and the anxiety-induced blemishes. When I finally returned home from a grueling day of meetings and presentations and “events,” I took a shower, put on my pajamas, cuddled Alexcat and picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I started the conversation. The conversation lasted well into the night and ended as all of our conversations have for the past eleven years. As I eventually fell asleep, I started to realize how good my life is- that despite having one person break my heart, I have an army of friends and family that are willing to help me put the pieces back together.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Emergency Wash Station
My new position has placed me in an office in a bio science building. While my office is in the lecture room area, sometimes it is necessary to meander over to the department chairs office which is housed in the lab part of the building. On Monday, I was walking through the maze of underground tunnels and came across the research lab areas. I was slightly taken aback when I saw the emergency eye and body wash stations. In the middle of the halls between the labs, there are these contraptions that hang from the ceiling and by pulling a little metal bar, a flood of water will begin flowing over the contaminated person, erasing whatever threatening substance is on them.
It made me shudder to think of ever being in a situation where I would come in contact with threatening materials and an emergency wash station would be necessary. I walked on through the maze of hallways to my destination and every so often would encounter another emergency wash station.
Several days later, it hits me: everyday, people come into contact with contaminants that are threatening. In social work, one has to work with people and be privy to details and situations that will leave dark spots. There is no emergency wash station to cleanse the contaminants away. It’s not limited to social work, but the human experience. In life things happen and the first reaction is to wash away all the bad stuff; to get the irritants off as quickly as possible.
When things ended with K, that’s what I did. I just put it behind me and moved forward. Keep it moving was my motto. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well.
But it never failed. After several days, a couple of weeks, K would contact me. And at first, I ignored him, but then it got harder. I wanted to know why he had cheated and why he had hurt me so much. Then I would ignore him again and a pattern started where I would ignore and then he would contact and I would get emotional and spiral out of control and feel the hurt all over again.
I started dating again. I have learned that I need to take time for myself and get over the feelings K has left me with. I reached a point in a relationship that we spent Thanksgiving together with my family. Don’t be surprised when I told you it didn’t end well. There is baggage left over from my relationship with K and I am wise enough to own it before depositing it on someone else. At another time in my life, I think the relationship with this person would have grown and continued- he’s a good guy- educated, well-read, funny, kind, and handsome. But now in my life, it’s too soon. After this person and I agreed to just be friends, literally a few hours later, K began contacting me again.
It’s too hard. When he contacts me, it brings up all of these emotions and I feel myself choking. My sadness has been replaced with anger and I refuse to let the bitterness creep into my life. He can’t just walk in and out of my life and expect me to be okay with it. It shows what an inconsiderate person he is, and truth be told, he was the entire duration of our relationship. I should have listened to my mom when she told me after meeting K for the first time that he wasn’t “the one” for me.
Right now, more than anything, I wish there was an emergency wash station that would cleanse the residue of K from me.
It made me shudder to think of ever being in a situation where I would come in contact with threatening materials and an emergency wash station would be necessary. I walked on through the maze of hallways to my destination and every so often would encounter another emergency wash station.
Several days later, it hits me: everyday, people come into contact with contaminants that are threatening. In social work, one has to work with people and be privy to details and situations that will leave dark spots. There is no emergency wash station to cleanse the contaminants away. It’s not limited to social work, but the human experience. In life things happen and the first reaction is to wash away all the bad stuff; to get the irritants off as quickly as possible.
When things ended with K, that’s what I did. I just put it behind me and moved forward. Keep it moving was my motto. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well.
But it never failed. After several days, a couple of weeks, K would contact me. And at first, I ignored him, but then it got harder. I wanted to know why he had cheated and why he had hurt me so much. Then I would ignore him again and a pattern started where I would ignore and then he would contact and I would get emotional and spiral out of control and feel the hurt all over again.
I started dating again. I have learned that I need to take time for myself and get over the feelings K has left me with. I reached a point in a relationship that we spent Thanksgiving together with my family. Don’t be surprised when I told you it didn’t end well. There is baggage left over from my relationship with K and I am wise enough to own it before depositing it on someone else. At another time in my life, I think the relationship with this person would have grown and continued- he’s a good guy- educated, well-read, funny, kind, and handsome. But now in my life, it’s too soon. After this person and I agreed to just be friends, literally a few hours later, K began contacting me again.
It’s too hard. When he contacts me, it brings up all of these emotions and I feel myself choking. My sadness has been replaced with anger and I refuse to let the bitterness creep into my life. He can’t just walk in and out of my life and expect me to be okay with it. It shows what an inconsiderate person he is, and truth be told, he was the entire duration of our relationship. I should have listened to my mom when she told me after meeting K for the first time that he wasn’t “the one” for me.
Right now, more than anything, I wish there was an emergency wash station that would cleanse the residue of K from me.
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