On Saturday, I went to IKEA to purchase a few things for my new apartment. As I was standing in line, there was an African-american couple in front of me. I was discreetly (I hope) watching them interact and after several minutes, lightening jolted through me as I came to the realization that life goes on- more specifically people move on, develop relationships with others and life doesn’t stop. Honestly, I suddenly pictured K at IKEA with his girlfriend and another piece of my heart broke.
Later that evening, I called a friend to bemoan my heartache. He listened quietly and then started talking, sharing with me things to make me laugh and he ended the conversation with something he has been telling me for the past eleven years, “Remember, Jessie, you are beautiful and you are loved.”
I tuck the words away, like I always do and keep moving on. At work this week, colleagues mentioned several times that I looked like I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t explain that K and his current girlfriend have been contacting me and that each word they write to me is like a tiny blade in my heart. I just cite staying up late reading or some other excuse and change the subject. On Thursday morning, I looked in the mirror and could see what my colleagues have been referring to, so I took a few extra minutes and used cosmetics to cover up the under eye circles and the anxiety-induced blemishes. When I finally returned home from a grueling day of meetings and presentations and “events,” I took a shower, put on my pajamas, cuddled Alexcat and picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I started the conversation. The conversation lasted well into the night and ended as all of our conversations have for the past eleven years. As I eventually fell asleep, I started to realize how good my life is- that despite having one person break my heart, I have an army of friends and family that are willing to help me put the pieces back together.
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