For the first time in the last several years, my holidays weren't spent rushing to catch a flight or rushing across the Midwest trying to outrun a winter storm. It was nice for a change to be able to take a bubble bath and read the last few chapters of a novel before having to go to a family function. Of course, there may have been some last minute rushing to find gift bags and tissue paper.
The highlights of my holidays:
Being the first to find out that a good friend of mine and her amazing husband are expecting a baby!
Celebrating Christmas Eve with my extended family. I know how fortunate I am to spend the holiday with people that have known and loved me my entire life.
Spending the day after Christmas playing with one of the cutest four-year-olds I know. We stamped a calendar, we went out to lunch, we went to the pet store, we played beauty shop and we finished the day by playing with some of my old Barbie dolls.
I'm looking forward to the festivities to continue through the week. There are cocktails to be had, resolutions to be made, rules to be broken, laughter that will shake the walls.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Heartburn
Things that I am thinking about:
I'll be in St. Louis for New Year's Eve.
I'm dating someone who is not dysfunctional (there's a first time for everything).
I have a lot of anxiety surrounding some political issues I have been dragged into at the office.
I had dinner with my brother at a sports bar. While watching a football game, he explained the game to me in 30 seconds, and I get it!
My niece left me a message on my voicemail singing Jingle Bells. It is the cutest thing ever and even my coworkers agreed, after I forced them to sit through the 2 minute message.
I hate conflict. I hate conflict so much, I have ended relationships, moved out of apartments, changed my college major and even left jobs to avoid conflict.
I'll be in St. Louis for New Year's Eve.
I'm dating someone who is not dysfunctional (there's a first time for everything).
I have a lot of anxiety surrounding some political issues I have been dragged into at the office.
I had dinner with my brother at a sports bar. While watching a football game, he explained the game to me in 30 seconds, and I get it!
My niece left me a message on my voicemail singing Jingle Bells. It is the cutest thing ever and even my coworkers agreed, after I forced them to sit through the 2 minute message.
I hate conflict. I hate conflict so much, I have ended relationships, moved out of apartments, changed my college major and even left jobs to avoid conflict.
Friday, December 9, 2011
IKEA Enlightenment
On Saturday, I went to IKEA to purchase a few things for my new apartment. As I was standing in line, there was an African-american couple in front of me. I was discreetly (I hope) watching them interact and after several minutes, lightening jolted through me as I came to the realization that life goes on- more specifically people move on, develop relationships with others and life doesn’t stop. Honestly, I suddenly pictured K at IKEA with his girlfriend and another piece of my heart broke.
Later that evening, I called a friend to bemoan my heartache. He listened quietly and then started talking, sharing with me things to make me laugh and he ended the conversation with something he has been telling me for the past eleven years, “Remember, Jessie, you are beautiful and you are loved.”
I tuck the words away, like I always do and keep moving on. At work this week, colleagues mentioned several times that I looked like I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t explain that K and his current girlfriend have been contacting me and that each word they write to me is like a tiny blade in my heart. I just cite staying up late reading or some other excuse and change the subject. On Thursday morning, I looked in the mirror and could see what my colleagues have been referring to, so I took a few extra minutes and used cosmetics to cover up the under eye circles and the anxiety-induced blemishes. When I finally returned home from a grueling day of meetings and presentations and “events,” I took a shower, put on my pajamas, cuddled Alexcat and picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I started the conversation. The conversation lasted well into the night and ended as all of our conversations have for the past eleven years. As I eventually fell asleep, I started to realize how good my life is- that despite having one person break my heart, I have an army of friends and family that are willing to help me put the pieces back together.
Later that evening, I called a friend to bemoan my heartache. He listened quietly and then started talking, sharing with me things to make me laugh and he ended the conversation with something he has been telling me for the past eleven years, “Remember, Jessie, you are beautiful and you are loved.”
I tuck the words away, like I always do and keep moving on. At work this week, colleagues mentioned several times that I looked like I wasn’t feeling well. I don’t explain that K and his current girlfriend have been contacting me and that each word they write to me is like a tiny blade in my heart. I just cite staying up late reading or some other excuse and change the subject. On Thursday morning, I looked in the mirror and could see what my colleagues have been referring to, so I took a few extra minutes and used cosmetics to cover up the under eye circles and the anxiety-induced blemishes. When I finally returned home from a grueling day of meetings and presentations and “events,” I took a shower, put on my pajamas, cuddled Alexcat and picked up the phone.
“Hey,” I started the conversation. The conversation lasted well into the night and ended as all of our conversations have for the past eleven years. As I eventually fell asleep, I started to realize how good my life is- that despite having one person break my heart, I have an army of friends and family that are willing to help me put the pieces back together.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Emergency Wash Station
My new position has placed me in an office in a bio science building. While my office is in the lecture room area, sometimes it is necessary to meander over to the department chairs office which is housed in the lab part of the building. On Monday, I was walking through the maze of underground tunnels and came across the research lab areas. I was slightly taken aback when I saw the emergency eye and body wash stations. In the middle of the halls between the labs, there are these contraptions that hang from the ceiling and by pulling a little metal bar, a flood of water will begin flowing over the contaminated person, erasing whatever threatening substance is on them.
It made me shudder to think of ever being in a situation where I would come in contact with threatening materials and an emergency wash station would be necessary. I walked on through the maze of hallways to my destination and every so often would encounter another emergency wash station.
Several days later, it hits me: everyday, people come into contact with contaminants that are threatening. In social work, one has to work with people and be privy to details and situations that will leave dark spots. There is no emergency wash station to cleanse the contaminants away. It’s not limited to social work, but the human experience. In life things happen and the first reaction is to wash away all the bad stuff; to get the irritants off as quickly as possible.
When things ended with K, that’s what I did. I just put it behind me and moved forward. Keep it moving was my motto. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well.
But it never failed. After several days, a couple of weeks, K would contact me. And at first, I ignored him, but then it got harder. I wanted to know why he had cheated and why he had hurt me so much. Then I would ignore him again and a pattern started where I would ignore and then he would contact and I would get emotional and spiral out of control and feel the hurt all over again.
I started dating again. I have learned that I need to take time for myself and get over the feelings K has left me with. I reached a point in a relationship that we spent Thanksgiving together with my family. Don’t be surprised when I told you it didn’t end well. There is baggage left over from my relationship with K and I am wise enough to own it before depositing it on someone else. At another time in my life, I think the relationship with this person would have grown and continued- he’s a good guy- educated, well-read, funny, kind, and handsome. But now in my life, it’s too soon. After this person and I agreed to just be friends, literally a few hours later, K began contacting me again.
It’s too hard. When he contacts me, it brings up all of these emotions and I feel myself choking. My sadness has been replaced with anger and I refuse to let the bitterness creep into my life. He can’t just walk in and out of my life and expect me to be okay with it. It shows what an inconsiderate person he is, and truth be told, he was the entire duration of our relationship. I should have listened to my mom when she told me after meeting K for the first time that he wasn’t “the one” for me.
Right now, more than anything, I wish there was an emergency wash station that would cleanse the residue of K from me.
It made me shudder to think of ever being in a situation where I would come in contact with threatening materials and an emergency wash station would be necessary. I walked on through the maze of hallways to my destination and every so often would encounter another emergency wash station.
Several days later, it hits me: everyday, people come into contact with contaminants that are threatening. In social work, one has to work with people and be privy to details and situations that will leave dark spots. There is no emergency wash station to cleanse the contaminants away. It’s not limited to social work, but the human experience. In life things happen and the first reaction is to wash away all the bad stuff; to get the irritants off as quickly as possible.
When things ended with K, that’s what I did. I just put it behind me and moved forward. Keep it moving was my motto. I thought I was doing well. I was doing well.
But it never failed. After several days, a couple of weeks, K would contact me. And at first, I ignored him, but then it got harder. I wanted to know why he had cheated and why he had hurt me so much. Then I would ignore him again and a pattern started where I would ignore and then he would contact and I would get emotional and spiral out of control and feel the hurt all over again.
I started dating again. I have learned that I need to take time for myself and get over the feelings K has left me with. I reached a point in a relationship that we spent Thanksgiving together with my family. Don’t be surprised when I told you it didn’t end well. There is baggage left over from my relationship with K and I am wise enough to own it before depositing it on someone else. At another time in my life, I think the relationship with this person would have grown and continued- he’s a good guy- educated, well-read, funny, kind, and handsome. But now in my life, it’s too soon. After this person and I agreed to just be friends, literally a few hours later, K began contacting me again.
It’s too hard. When he contacts me, it brings up all of these emotions and I feel myself choking. My sadness has been replaced with anger and I refuse to let the bitterness creep into my life. He can’t just walk in and out of my life and expect me to be okay with it. It shows what an inconsiderate person he is, and truth be told, he was the entire duration of our relationship. I should have listened to my mom when she told me after meeting K for the first time that he wasn’t “the one” for me.
Right now, more than anything, I wish there was an emergency wash station that would cleanse the residue of K from me.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Declaration
Last weekend, I went out with the girls to a winery. It was great.
Food + Wine + Good Friends = Me Making a Declaration.
I declared that for the next six months, I would be focusing on me. I would not go on a date, look at a man or even entertain the thought of a relationship. I need to work on me and work through these feelings of hurt and sadness and anger that come from K's infidelity. After I made the declaration, I saw my friends give each other knowing looks, but I dismissed them.
P said "oh, as soon as that was said, you'll find someone."
I scoffed.
I went to DC for a conference this weekend. And? I met someone. Out of the blue. He was at the conference and we started talking and there was this little click, it sounds just like the seat belt going into the buckle.
I don't know where it's going to go, and I'm still taking time to work through the past relationship. Isn't it funny where our paths take us?
Food + Wine + Good Friends = Me Making a Declaration.
I declared that for the next six months, I would be focusing on me. I would not go on a date, look at a man or even entertain the thought of a relationship. I need to work on me and work through these feelings of hurt and sadness and anger that come from K's infidelity. After I made the declaration, I saw my friends give each other knowing looks, but I dismissed them.
P said "oh, as soon as that was said, you'll find someone."
I scoffed.
I went to DC for a conference this weekend. And? I met someone. Out of the blue. He was at the conference and we started talking and there was this little click, it sounds just like the seat belt going into the buckle.
I don't know where it's going to go, and I'm still taking time to work through the past relationship. Isn't it funny where our paths take us?
Monday, October 31, 2011
It's Okay
It’s Okay If . . . . .
• The only pair of shoes that are suitable for walking all over this ginormous university campus are ugly as sin.
• I stayed up until 1 am on Sunday night putting together an evaluation plan and timeline.
• And then stayed up until 2:30am watching The Office.
• I switch my allegiance from the Cincinnati Reds to the St. Louis Cardinals due to an amazing World Series.
• I bought new pajamas in anticipation of my upcoming travels.
• I am excited about being home for the holidays.
• That my car makes me feel slightly grown-up.
• And even if everyone and the New York Times says it’s a great book, I didn’t like it.
• The only pair of shoes that are suitable for walking all over this ginormous university campus are ugly as sin.
• I stayed up until 1 am on Sunday night putting together an evaluation plan and timeline.
• And then stayed up until 2:30am watching The Office.
• I switch my allegiance from the Cincinnati Reds to the St. Louis Cardinals due to an amazing World Series.
• I bought new pajamas in anticipation of my upcoming travels.
• I am excited about being home for the holidays.
• That my car makes me feel slightly grown-up.
• And even if everyone and the New York Times says it’s a great book, I didn’t like it.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Why We Can't be Friends.
Why we can’t be friends:
1. Whenever I talk to you, I will always think of you with her and that hurts me.
2. I value my friends and want to be a very good friend to them. You don’t deserve that level of kindness and devotion from me anymore.
3. An important aspect of friendship is trust and honesty; you have given me neither.
4. I forgive too easily and if we’re friends, I will forgive you and it will become a slippery slope.
5. You hurt me. There’s plenty of badness and unkindness in this world that I don’t need to invite more of that into my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7XR0OSFlzo
1. Whenever I talk to you, I will always think of you with her and that hurts me.
2. I value my friends and want to be a very good friend to them. You don’t deserve that level of kindness and devotion from me anymore.
3. An important aspect of friendship is trust and honesty; you have given me neither.
4. I forgive too easily and if we’re friends, I will forgive you and it will become a slippery slope.
5. You hurt me. There’s plenty of badness and unkindness in this world that I don’t need to invite more of that into my life.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7XR0OSFlzo
Monday, October 17, 2011
Commuting
Head ache. Sore throat. Rosy cheeks. Long commute.
This past month has been a whirlwind. And it was exactly what I needed to move forward. Coming to a new city I’ve not been to before and figuring things out couldn’t have been planned at a better time. St. Louis had too many memories and Cincinnati is too close to home. Where I am now is a nice compromise. I’m away from all those memories and that entwined life and yet I’m not too far from home.
One of the best pieces of advice I got recently was once I’ve made a decision, to stick to it and not look back. I think often times, I’ve been prone to play the “what if” game and it can undermine my confidence and determination. I’ve shut the door on the “what if I had gone another route” game and am focusing on the path that I’m on now.
There have been some bumps on the road I’m on now, things I’m working on ironing out. Housing has been a bit more difficult than I thought it would be in this new city. The commute is quickly wearing me down. I’ve seemed to have caught a bug from a little friend (the one that likes to pinch you until you bleed). Though, by far, I think my biggest challenge will be the political quagmire my new position is nestled in here.
I have several exciting travel plans coming up in the near future. Next month, I am going to D.C. to meet the project funders. In February, I am going to San Diego for a personal trip and in March I am off to Atlanta for another personal trip. I hope to go to the seaside in May or June for a family trip.
Another bonus to this new position is one of my colleagues is Scottish (!). And the first thing he said to me upon meeting me is “Ye Irish are ye?” I laughed and he said “Ye must be with that surname and that wild red hair.” I didn't tell him that it's often my short temper that betrays my Irish roots.
This past month has been a whirlwind. And it was exactly what I needed to move forward. Coming to a new city I’ve not been to before and figuring things out couldn’t have been planned at a better time. St. Louis had too many memories and Cincinnati is too close to home. Where I am now is a nice compromise. I’m away from all those memories and that entwined life and yet I’m not too far from home.
One of the best pieces of advice I got recently was once I’ve made a decision, to stick to it and not look back. I think often times, I’ve been prone to play the “what if” game and it can undermine my confidence and determination. I’ve shut the door on the “what if I had gone another route” game and am focusing on the path that I’m on now.
There have been some bumps on the road I’m on now, things I’m working on ironing out. Housing has been a bit more difficult than I thought it would be in this new city. The commute is quickly wearing me down. I’ve seemed to have caught a bug from a little friend (the one that likes to pinch you until you bleed). Though, by far, I think my biggest challenge will be the political quagmire my new position is nestled in here.
I have several exciting travel plans coming up in the near future. Next month, I am going to D.C. to meet the project funders. In February, I am going to San Diego for a personal trip and in March I am off to Atlanta for another personal trip. I hope to go to the seaside in May or June for a family trip.
Another bonus to this new position is one of my colleagues is Scottish (!). And the first thing he said to me upon meeting me is “Ye Irish are ye?” I laughed and he said “Ye must be with that surname and that wild red hair.” I didn't tell him that it's often my short temper that betrays my Irish roots.
Monday, October 10, 2011
Gulp.
First day of new position.
Walking across the cobblestone, my first thought was "please, please do not let a heel get caught in the cobblestone and fall and twist ankle on day one."
So far, so good.
It's a lot to learn and definitely out of my comfort zone. I have crazy painful blisters on the back of my heels due to leaving my work appropriate shoes in the storage unit in St. Louis and having to wear cute-but-ill-fitting heels.
I think it's going to be okay.
Walking across the cobblestone, my first thought was "please, please do not let a heel get caught in the cobblestone and fall and twist ankle on day one."
So far, so good.
It's a lot to learn and definitely out of my comfort zone. I have crazy painful blisters on the back of my heels due to leaving my work appropriate shoes in the storage unit in St. Louis and having to wear cute-but-ill-fitting heels.
I think it's going to be okay.
Friday, October 7, 2011
In Case I Forget
"I'm going to pinch you until you bleed."
When did four-year-old girls get so mean?
Of course, this wasn't said to me. Why? Because kids love me.
Why? Because I bribe the hell out of them.
It works.
When did four-year-old girls get so mean?
Of course, this wasn't said to me. Why? Because kids love me.
Why? Because I bribe the hell out of them.
It works.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Highs and Lows
The moving van is arriving in 48 hours.
I'm not packed.
I have tons of loose ends to finish before I leave.
My office gave me a farewell party today. It was there that I realized that I'm leaving. I've been so busy distracting myself from everyday life that it just kind of hit me. My project manager was a beast, but I made some good friends at the office and will really miss them.
I took another job offer. I felt torn between both places and asked for advice from so many different people. I took the position that will be working in a university setting. I am going to use these next two years as my rebuilding years. Hey, if the Bengals can say they've been rebuilding for the past 15 years, I can take two years, right?
Sometimes, I let the reality of life without K settle on me. There's relief mostly, but there is some sadness and hurt. I had painted this picture of how life was going to be and how things would turn out. Yes, I know that picture would have never turned into reality and I'm working on letting go.
AlexCat and I have been spending lots of time together. I never, ever pegged myself for a cat person and I don't actually like other cats, but I am in love with Alex. He has this huge personality in his huge cat body. He watches over me when I sleep, he whines when he wants wet food, he whines when he wants attention, he whines when he wants to play. So, he might be a little bit of a whiner and maybe a little bit high maintenance. Birds of a feather, we flock together!
I'm not packed.
I have tons of loose ends to finish before I leave.
My office gave me a farewell party today. It was there that I realized that I'm leaving. I've been so busy distracting myself from everyday life that it just kind of hit me. My project manager was a beast, but I made some good friends at the office and will really miss them.
I took another job offer. I felt torn between both places and asked for advice from so many different people. I took the position that will be working in a university setting. I am going to use these next two years as my rebuilding years. Hey, if the Bengals can say they've been rebuilding for the past 15 years, I can take two years, right?
Sometimes, I let the reality of life without K settle on me. There's relief mostly, but there is some sadness and hurt. I had painted this picture of how life was going to be and how things would turn out. Yes, I know that picture would have never turned into reality and I'm working on letting go.
AlexCat and I have been spending lots of time together. I never, ever pegged myself for a cat person and I don't actually like other cats, but I am in love with Alex. He has this huge personality in his huge cat body. He watches over me when I sleep, he whines when he wants wet food, he whines when he wants attention, he whines when he wants to play. So, he might be a little bit of a whiner and maybe a little bit high maintenance. Birds of a feather, we flock together!
Sunday, September 18, 2011
Laughter.
Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday- every night I've been out on the town with friends.
Earlier in the week, I could barely get out of bed, and actually, for a few days, I didn't get out of bed. But I needed that time, just like I needed to get out and see this city before I leave it behind.
On Friday night, while out with a girlfriend, I was asked out by a man. I declined as we were stuck in traffic and the man was hanging out of the cab of his pick up truck. And while I was a little turned off by his gold grill, the experience had me laughing so hard it dislodged some of my sadness.
Saturday night, I went out with a guy friend. He also had me laughing so hard while we were eating dinner that another piece of hurt came loose.
When I stopped and thought about it, I haven't laughed a lot recently. Ending things with K is like a weight has been lifted off of me and I can breathe easier and deeper- no more shallow puffs of air.
A week ago, I thought it was all over, my life devastated. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times that a pain will hit me, but I know it's going to be okay. Actually, it's going to be better than before.
Earlier in the week, I could barely get out of bed, and actually, for a few days, I didn't get out of bed. But I needed that time, just like I needed to get out and see this city before I leave it behind.
On Friday night, while out with a girlfriend, I was asked out by a man. I declined as we were stuck in traffic and the man was hanging out of the cab of his pick up truck. And while I was a little turned off by his gold grill, the experience had me laughing so hard it dislodged some of my sadness.
Saturday night, I went out with a guy friend. He also had me laughing so hard while we were eating dinner that another piece of hurt came loose.
When I stopped and thought about it, I haven't laughed a lot recently. Ending things with K is like a weight has been lifted off of me and I can breathe easier and deeper- no more shallow puffs of air.
A week ago, I thought it was all over, my life devastated. Now, I'm not saying there aren't times that a pain will hit me, but I know it's going to be okay. Actually, it's going to be better than before.
Friday, September 16, 2011
Keep Breathing.
Keep breathing and keep busy. Those are the two things that are helping me tremendously. Closing the door and forcing myself to move forward is what I’ve been focusing on. I took a few days off of work, spent that time regrouping and have been pouring myself into preparing for the future.
I got a very nice email from a close friend. We tried the dating thing and it didn’t work out, but we’re still friends. He’s far away (story of my life, eh?) but we catch up regularly.
The good things about you!
• Kind - this can be seen from what you did for me from the assignment to the medicines, to the hard disk money.
• Caring - you like to help which might even go to the extreme.
• Loving - you love a lot and if you find your perfect match, he will be the luckiest person to get you.
• Honest - I am sure that you are very honest!
• truthful - by nature you are not liar. You don't lie
• romantic - you are good romantic life!
• beautiful - you have a very good look. Take care of it.
• reliable - when you say I do something, you do it.
• punctual - you are very punctual and very strict on it.
• Intelligent - you are academically intelligent and on work too!
• Hard working - you work very hard. You even work as a nanny to earn more money while you are a university staff.
There might be more but this is what i remember.
The line of ‘you have a very good look. Take care of it.’ makes me smile every time I read it. How does one take care of their good looks?
I got a very nice email from a close friend. We tried the dating thing and it didn’t work out, but we’re still friends. He’s far away (story of my life, eh?) but we catch up regularly.
The good things about you!
• Kind - this can be seen from what you did for me from the assignment to the medicines, to the hard disk money.
• Caring - you like to help which might even go to the extreme.
• Loving - you love a lot and if you find your perfect match, he will be the luckiest person to get you.
• Honest - I am sure that you are very honest!
• truthful - by nature you are not liar. You don't lie
• romantic - you are good romantic life!
• beautiful - you have a very good look. Take care of it.
• reliable - when you say I do something, you do it.
• punctual - you are very punctual and very strict on it.
• Intelligent - you are academically intelligent and on work too!
• Hard working - you work very hard. You even work as a nanny to earn more money while you are a university staff.
There might be more but this is what i remember.
The line of ‘you have a very good look. Take care of it.’ makes me smile every time I read it. How does one take care of their good looks?
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Day Two.
Let’s quickly recap Day One:
I went to Urgent Care as the stomach pain in stomach kept increasing. Dx: ulcer + infection. Tx: I.V. fluids + antibiotics + an acid blocker.
I also started taking this sell my old car and move thing seriously. Went to the BMV and changed over the license. I was then fleeced by the moving company I had scheduled last week. Their fee magically doubled when I went to pay the deposit. I felt the ulcer bleed a little bit harder as I realized I have two weeks to move my stuff and no movers. Oh, did you know I live on the fourth floor?
I slept in the middle of my bed. Normally, I always sleep on the same side, and hug the edge. Well, last night, I put my pillows right in the middle of the bed and slept there. Alex enjoyed the change. He had plenty of space to stretch out.
Day Two.
I went through some clothes to give to Goodwill.
I try to reformulate a plan for my move.
Took a trip to City Hall to get my personal property tax paperwork so I can file
paperwork to get more paperwork for my car. [Side note: What is up with public employees? Do these workers take a class on how to be rude and asinine or is that personality trait a requirement for the jobs?]
I cleaned up the apartment and took pictures of the things I am selling and made a little Craigslist Draft.
I cuddled with Alex. He’s usually not a cuddler, so I think he’s taking one for the team and letting me cuddle with him and practice my Swedish animal massage techniques on him.
And most importantly for Day Two- the despair isn’t so overwhelming. I can breathe, I can think about tomorrow, I can slowly feel my excitement growing about my pending move to Cincinnati.
I went to Urgent Care as the stomach pain in stomach kept increasing. Dx: ulcer + infection. Tx: I.V. fluids + antibiotics + an acid blocker.
I also started taking this sell my old car and move thing seriously. Went to the BMV and changed over the license. I was then fleeced by the moving company I had scheduled last week. Their fee magically doubled when I went to pay the deposit. I felt the ulcer bleed a little bit harder as I realized I have two weeks to move my stuff and no movers. Oh, did you know I live on the fourth floor?
I slept in the middle of my bed. Normally, I always sleep on the same side, and hug the edge. Well, last night, I put my pillows right in the middle of the bed and slept there. Alex enjoyed the change. He had plenty of space to stretch out.
Day Two.
I went through some clothes to give to Goodwill.
I try to reformulate a plan for my move.
Took a trip to City Hall to get my personal property tax paperwork so I can file
paperwork to get more paperwork for my car. [Side note: What is up with public employees? Do these workers take a class on how to be rude and asinine or is that personality trait a requirement for the jobs?]
I cleaned up the apartment and took pictures of the things I am selling and made a little Craigslist Draft.
I cuddled with Alex. He’s usually not a cuddler, so I think he’s taking one for the team and letting me cuddle with him and practice my Swedish animal massage techniques on him.
And most importantly for Day Two- the despair isn’t so overwhelming. I can breathe, I can think about tomorrow, I can slowly feel my excitement growing about my pending move to Cincinnati.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
Day One.
My relationship with K is over. A few days ago, I received facebook messages from a woman in PNG that has been having an affair with K since last year. She wrote and told me the intimate details and that she is having his baby. K confirmed it. I thought I was devastated then, but then more details came out and it seems his infidelity has stretched since we’ve been together. How could I have been so naïve? So trusting? So stupid?!
When it came crashing down, I packed a bag and AlexCat and went home to my momma. I told my mom and a few of my closest friends and family. While my mom has always had misgivings about him, my friends were truly shocked. I think they have a harder time putting together the same person that dazzled them at our engagement party and on visits to Cincinnati is the same womanizing, lying, manipulating person. Lesson learned: trust my mom, listen to my mom.
The past few days, a roller coaster of emotions have hit me. I don’t like feelings, so to be overwhelmed by hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, and a hundred other emotions is too much for me. Each day, I’d check my email and there would be a message from K wanting “to work things out.” Each email would be another stab of the knife in the stomach.
Today is Day One of Operation: Move On. I sent K an email asking him not to contact me anymore, I’ve blocked all of his emails, I went around my apartment and took down all pictures, momentos, gifts, even the shirt and tie he wore to his graduation- it’s all gone.
Right now, as hard as all of this is, I am a bit thankful that it happened while he was away, before we were married, before there were babies. Letting go of this picture of how my life was going to be with him has been very hard. I held on so tight to what I wanted, to make the time and distance bearable. I held on to it too tightly; I defied the unhappiness, the verbal and emotional duress.
I have to keep moving on.
When it came crashing down, I packed a bag and AlexCat and went home to my momma. I told my mom and a few of my closest friends and family. While my mom has always had misgivings about him, my friends were truly shocked. I think they have a harder time putting together the same person that dazzled them at our engagement party and on visits to Cincinnati is the same womanizing, lying, manipulating person. Lesson learned: trust my mom, listen to my mom.
The past few days, a roller coaster of emotions have hit me. I don’t like feelings, so to be overwhelmed by hurt, anger, sadness, confusion, and a hundred other emotions is too much for me. Each day, I’d check my email and there would be a message from K wanting “to work things out.” Each email would be another stab of the knife in the stomach.
Today is Day One of Operation: Move On. I sent K an email asking him not to contact me anymore, I’ve blocked all of his emails, I went around my apartment and took down all pictures, momentos, gifts, even the shirt and tie he wore to his graduation- it’s all gone.
Right now, as hard as all of this is, I am a bit thankful that it happened while he was away, before we were married, before there were babies. Letting go of this picture of how my life was going to be with him has been very hard. I held on so tight to what I wanted, to make the time and distance bearable. I held on to it too tightly; I defied the unhappiness, the verbal and emotional duress.
I have to keep moving on.
Saturday, September 3, 2011
One-two-three-four.
Some big developments have been occurring.
One.
I got a new job.
Two.
I resigned from my current job.
Three.
I'm moving.
Four.
I bought a car.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
What I Know
Coffee in the morning with an English muffin in the bed with AlexCat is a good way to start the day.
Happiness is fleeting, so enjoy it when you have it.
My mom loves me a lot.
I feel a since of accomplishment when I finish something.
The first time someone hurts you or puts a sliver in your heart, the sequential times will still hurt, but not as much as the first time.
I have great girlfriends.
I am attracted to intelligent people.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Mi missim K tru.
I was driving home from an appointment this afternoon and looked over to see a car with a Papua New Guinea flag on its bumper. I waived at the driver, an elderly white male that must think I'm crazy and assume he's a missionary or supports missionaries in PNG. Mi no save.
And then a flood of emotions began. I miss K. The appointment I had come from concerned K and then seeing that flag on the back of a minivan in Middle America. I just started thinking about things and everything seems to be a reminder that K is not here. K loves going to the movies, and I keep a mental list of all the movies that we'll have to see when he comes back. That makes me sad. I miss that man a lot. Tumas.
Anyway, there is a man coming from PNG to begin his PhD studies at a local university. I have secured housing for him and someone gave me a set of sheets for a bed I got him. They're white. And were used. So, I put them in the washer with some bleach + hot water + detergent+ fabric softner and now they're usable. I like to smell the fabric softener in my sheets, so I don't dry them 100% in the dryer. I let them air dry so the softness and smell stays with them.
I thought I'd share some pictures of my day-to-day life. Here's my boring non-K life:
Messy Living Room.
See the sheets? Oh, and some clothes I unpacked from my suite case and haven't dealt with yet.
Dining Area (aka Alex's domain- he uses underneath the dining room table as his command center).
Alex on the Prowl. He's got moves like jaguar.
Can you spot Alex's No Good, Very Bad Best Friend? Hours of entertainment provided by that mouse. He's a twin brother with a feather for a tail, but unfortunately the tail was chewed off.
I don't know which one I like more- the almond milk or the chocolate eclairs. Yum.
And then a flood of emotions began. I miss K. The appointment I had come from concerned K and then seeing that flag on the back of a minivan in Middle America. I just started thinking about things and everything seems to be a reminder that K is not here. K loves going to the movies, and I keep a mental list of all the movies that we'll have to see when he comes back. That makes me sad. I miss that man a lot. Tumas.
Anyway, there is a man coming from PNG to begin his PhD studies at a local university. I have secured housing for him and someone gave me a set of sheets for a bed I got him. They're white. And were used. So, I put them in the washer with some bleach + hot water + detergent+ fabric softner and now they're usable. I like to smell the fabric softener in my sheets, so I don't dry them 100% in the dryer. I let them air dry so the softness and smell stays with them.
I thought I'd share some pictures of my day-to-day life. Here's my boring non-K life:
Messy Living Room.
See the sheets? Oh, and some clothes I unpacked from my suite case and haven't dealt with yet.
Dining Area (aka Alex's domain- he uses underneath the dining room table as his command center).
Alex on the Prowl. He's got moves like jaguar.
Can you spot Alex's No Good, Very Bad Best Friend? Hours of entertainment provided by that mouse. He's a twin brother with a feather for a tail, but unfortunately the tail was chewed off.
I don't know which one I like more- the almond milk or the chocolate eclairs. Yum.
Monday, August 1, 2011
Ulcers.
I think I have one.
Last week, while I was attending a summit, my upper abdominal area started hurting. I disregarded it, and just thought it was indigestion/nerves/etc. The pain is like hunger pains but a bit more intense and they occur in the upper abdomen area, sometimes right below the breast bone. They start about one hour after I eat and occur nonstop until I eat something again- even if it’s a cup of milk and a plain piece of bread. Last night, I grilled shrimp and ate steamed broccoli and carrots- stomach resisted and pain ensued for hours afterward.
And, the other symptom is horrible breath. Dragon breath. I went to the dentist a few months ago and had my cleaning and check up and besides a few cavities, everything was fine. This dragon breath even overcomes Mentadent toothpaste within minutes of use.
Which brings us to the next dilemma- access to health care. When I moved to this Midwestern oasis city, I was in graduate school. One of the perks of going to this graduate school was the medical resources and the on-campus student health center. Since graduating two years ago, I’ve not bothered finding a doctor, because when I’m sick I need instant care, not waiting three weeks for a new patient appointment.
My three sinus infections- went to Urgent Care. It only cost $40 and I was seen in 10 minutes, had antibiotics and was out the door within 40 minutes of signing in.
Sprained wrist two weeks ago- Urgent Care.
There have been a couple of other ailments that I went to Urgent Care for, like the aftereffects of wisdom teeth extraction. I really feel I need a real doctor, not just Urgent Care. So, I’m on a quest to find a doctor that won’t make me wait three weeks for treatment. I’ve left some messages for callbacks for appointments and am going to the Family Dollar on my lunch break to get some highly recommended acid blocker medicine. If I do not have a doctor appointment by Thursday, I’m going to do Urgent Care. Again. Or sooner, if I don’t stop googling “peptic ulcers + mortality.”
What can I say? One of my fears is dying alone in my apartment and my cat eating my body to stay alive.
Last week, while I was attending a summit, my upper abdominal area started hurting. I disregarded it, and just thought it was indigestion/nerves/etc. The pain is like hunger pains but a bit more intense and they occur in the upper abdomen area, sometimes right below the breast bone. They start about one hour after I eat and occur nonstop until I eat something again- even if it’s a cup of milk and a plain piece of bread. Last night, I grilled shrimp and ate steamed broccoli and carrots- stomach resisted and pain ensued for hours afterward.
And, the other symptom is horrible breath. Dragon breath. I went to the dentist a few months ago and had my cleaning and check up and besides a few cavities, everything was fine. This dragon breath even overcomes Mentadent toothpaste within minutes of use.
Which brings us to the next dilemma- access to health care. When I moved to this Midwestern oasis city, I was in graduate school. One of the perks of going to this graduate school was the medical resources and the on-campus student health center. Since graduating two years ago, I’ve not bothered finding a doctor, because when I’m sick I need instant care, not waiting three weeks for a new patient appointment.
My three sinus infections- went to Urgent Care. It only cost $40 and I was seen in 10 minutes, had antibiotics and was out the door within 40 minutes of signing in.
Sprained wrist two weeks ago- Urgent Care.
There have been a couple of other ailments that I went to Urgent Care for, like the aftereffects of wisdom teeth extraction. I really feel I need a real doctor, not just Urgent Care. So, I’m on a quest to find a doctor that won’t make me wait three weeks for treatment. I’ve left some messages for callbacks for appointments and am going to the Family Dollar on my lunch break to get some highly recommended acid blocker medicine. If I do not have a doctor appointment by Thursday, I’m going to do Urgent Care. Again. Or sooner, if I don’t stop googling “peptic ulcers + mortality.”
What can I say? One of my fears is dying alone in my apartment and my cat eating my body to stay alive.
Saturday, July 30, 2011
My Saturday
I have to spend a lot of time with King Alex Warra. He's been neglected by all my travel of late. He must miss me too, because he's let me hold him for longer than two minutes at a time.
The benefits of living in a 100 year old house- a huge claw foot bathtub. H-e-a-v-e-n.
The perfect companion, in and out of the bathtub.
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Meri
I’m a girl. Female. Woman. Sister. Daughter. Granddaughter. Niece. Aunt.
There are some good things about being a woman. As a woman it’s okay to adore other people’s babies, I can openly admit to taking an hour long bubble bath, it’s socially acceptable to wear skirts with a ruffle at the hemline. And I am a feminist.
But.
That red tent thing? Sometimes it seems like a good idea. There are a few days every 33-36 days that I am exhausted, cranky, have abdominal pain, prone to sadness, irritable, exhausted, need refined carbohydrates and sugar. There may be times during these certain days that I am irrational and exhausted. Have I mentioned the exhaustion? I’m currently at a conference in a big college town in middle America where it is 110 degrees today. I did my delegated duties in the morning and then snuck off for a two hour afternoon siesta. And I’m still exhausted.
Soldier on, girlfriend, soldier on.
There are some good things about being a woman. As a woman it’s okay to adore other people’s babies, I can openly admit to taking an hour long bubble bath, it’s socially acceptable to wear skirts with a ruffle at the hemline. And I am a feminist.
But.
That red tent thing? Sometimes it seems like a good idea. There are a few days every 33-36 days that I am exhausted, cranky, have abdominal pain, prone to sadness, irritable, exhausted, need refined carbohydrates and sugar. There may be times during these certain days that I am irrational and exhausted. Have I mentioned the exhaustion? I’m currently at a conference in a big college town in middle America where it is 110 degrees today. I did my delegated duties in the morning and then snuck off for a two hour afternoon siesta. And I’m still exhausted.
Soldier on, girlfriend, soldier on.
Tuesday, July 19, 2011
Reading
When you're six hours away from your family and best friends and your engagement is laying in ruins, I recommend reading. Here's what I've read in the past two weeks:
I didn't think I liked suspenseful/crime drama/mystery books. This one was surprisingly good, and I am going to check out more books by this author. The story moves quickly, the author knows a lot about the legal system and the characters were well developed.
Uh. I couldn't sleep, it was the middle of the night, so this was the perfect light read. I didn't have to think too hard, but the book kept my mind off of other things.
The story was engrossing in the beginning, and then in the middle was a 'jump the shark' part where the teenage daughter is kidnapped and held captive. So much more could have been developed with the story line, but it just kind of sags in the middle and doesn't really go back up.
A collection of short stories focused on service men deployed and their families left behind. Good development of stories, and some really left me wanting to know more about what happened. The book is like a quick peak into military family lives.
These are the books on my list to be read next:
Push (which the movie Precious was based on) was a book I stayed up through the night to read, and left me haunted. I'm not sure I can handle the sequel to Push right now. It's a library book, so I've got 21 days left to work up the courage.
And then this book was recommended on NPR. And my motto is "if it's on NPR, it's worth reading."
I didn't think I liked suspenseful/crime drama/mystery books. This one was surprisingly good, and I am going to check out more books by this author. The story moves quickly, the author knows a lot about the legal system and the characters were well developed.
Uh. I couldn't sleep, it was the middle of the night, so this was the perfect light read. I didn't have to think too hard, but the book kept my mind off of other things.
The story was engrossing in the beginning, and then in the middle was a 'jump the shark' part where the teenage daughter is kidnapped and held captive. So much more could have been developed with the story line, but it just kind of sags in the middle and doesn't really go back up.
A collection of short stories focused on service men deployed and their families left behind. Good development of stories, and some really left me wanting to know more about what happened. The book is like a quick peak into military family lives.
These are the books on my list to be read next:
Push (which the movie Precious was based on) was a book I stayed up through the night to read, and left me haunted. I'm not sure I can handle the sequel to Push right now. It's a library book, so I've got 21 days left to work up the courage.
And then this book was recommended on NPR. And my motto is "if it's on NPR, it's worth reading."
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Holy Misgivings
A dear friend of mine is getting married today. There was to be a wedding last weekend, but on Tuesday of the Friday affair the groom-to-be called it off. In a roundabout way he said he didn’t want to marry her. Or was it that he didn’t want to marry her in front of her friends and family? Or was it that he wasn’t sure where God was at in their relationship? So, out of the blue today, I got a text message about the impeding courthouse nuptials:
Her: Today’s the big day, wish me luck!
Me: Good luck!
Me: And I have to ask this: Are you sure?
Her: I’m sure I love him.
Me: I’ve never doubted that you love him.
And the thing is, I’m sad for her. I know this is a huge mistake and I know that she knows it’s a mistake. There are a myriad of reasons for her to not to marry this man, but love, infatuation, insecurity are all blind.
Her: Today’s the big day, wish me luck!
Me: Good luck!
Me: And I have to ask this: Are you sure?
Her: I’m sure I love him.
Me: I’ve never doubted that you love him.
And the thing is, I’m sad for her. I know this is a huge mistake and I know that she knows it’s a mistake. There are a myriad of reasons for her to not to marry this man, but love, infatuation, insecurity are all blind.
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
I Statements
I started this blog to document my relationship with K and the time apart. Then I lost interest, got lazy, didn’t know what to write about. What is the cure for this kind of writer’s block? A job you are growing to dislike more everyday and a manager that has no ethical boundaries. Today’s post is going to be a bit detail oriented and brought to you by the letter “I” as in I-Statements.
I first heard of I statements back in high school, in home economics class. Since then, they have followed me throughout different positions and through professional development courses and graduate school. I thought I’d combine some I statements with how I’m really feeling right now.
I feel annoyed when you call me at 1:38 a.m. in response to my message at 9 p.m. to tell me you are going to get pizza with your friend-that’s-screwing-a-lesbian-while-his-baby-mama-is-away-on-business friend.
I don’t like you very much when I think about all the shit I put up with and you can’t even send a mofu ‘love letter’. Not one in 393 days. You suck. For clarification, “you suck” is not an I statement, but a “true feeling.”
I feel cheated when you spend time and energy and resources on that stupid mofu van. It’s a damn van that you can’t even use now. Good thing you dropped enough money to cover roundtrip airfare on the piece of shit.
I feel insulted when I ask you a question and you refuse to answer it, or tell me ‘it’s a stupid question.’ If I answer your b.s. questions, you can answer mine, Sherlock.
I feel disappointed when birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions roll around. You don’t even try to make these occasions easier to bear apart, or make them in any way special.
I feel sad that I’ve pointed out to you something that I wanted for a long time and you do nothing to make it happen.
I first heard of I statements back in high school, in home economics class. Since then, they have followed me throughout different positions and through professional development courses and graduate school. I thought I’d combine some I statements with how I’m really feeling right now.
I feel annoyed when you call me at 1:38 a.m. in response to my message at 9 p.m. to tell me you are going to get pizza with your friend-that’s-screwing-a-lesbian-while-his-baby-mama-is-away-on-business friend.
I don’t like you very much when I think about all the shit I put up with and you can’t even send a mofu ‘love letter’. Not one in 393 days. You suck. For clarification, “you suck” is not an I statement, but a “true feeling.”
I feel cheated when you spend time and energy and resources on that stupid mofu van. It’s a damn van that you can’t even use now. Good thing you dropped enough money to cover roundtrip airfare on the piece of shit.
I feel insulted when I ask you a question and you refuse to answer it, or tell me ‘it’s a stupid question.’ If I answer your b.s. questions, you can answer mine, Sherlock.
I feel disappointed when birthdays, anniversaries, special occasions roll around. You don’t even try to make these occasions easier to bear apart, or make them in any way special.
I feel sad that I’ve pointed out to you something that I wanted for a long time and you do nothing to make it happen.
Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Chinese Medicine.
It is hot in the Midwest right now. Yesterday, it was 98 degrees and my third floor attic apartment was only 10 degrees cooler according to the thermometer. I came home with all intentions of making dinner, doing some paperwork, reading, laundry and bed. But there is something about that draining heat and humidity combination that makes me unable to even put a pot of water on the stove to boil.
So, what’s a gal to do in that sweltering heat?
Take a cool, relaxing bubble bath for two hours. Yes, a two hour bubble bath. Should I be ashamed to write on the internet that I engage in two hour bathing sessions? Well, I never thought I’d have a real shot at politics anyway. I took my cell phone and my Nook and use Johnson & Johnson Calming Baby Bubble Bath and camp out in the bathtub for two hours. Alex Warra slept on the rug by the claw foot tub, I played some Mumford & Sons on the Ipod, and finished reading Harlan Coben’s newest novel, all while in the luxuriously cool, lavender infused bath water.
And then my dad called. We chatted for a minute and he once again reminded me not to “get married to a fool” and then asked me if I’d give him my Volvo. I don’t have a Volvo to give him, and at that point, I figured the conversation had left Lucid Ville. And then, he surprised me by saying “And make sure you stay out of the heat, you know how the sun and heat makes you so sick.”
By saying that, my father, who ninety per cent of the time lives in his own world, had remembered something that surely hadn’t been brought to his attention in over twenty years. As a child, and even now, as an adult, the heat has a way of making me faint, experience vertigo and bring on stomach aches. When I was little, I would ignore the signs and insist on playing out all day with my brother and his friends, the results would always be severe sun burn and heat exhaustion. I religiously put on the highest SPF sun block I can find, but I have a pink tinge to my skin all year around.
Several years ago (during the SARS epidemic, but that’s another story), a friend of mine from Hong Kong and I went to Toronto for spring break. We had a great time, and one of the things we did is go to China Town. Hilary wanted to get a Hong Kong style facial and I declined, instead using the time to look around the Chinese mall.
When I came back to the salon area, a Chinese woman said something to Hilary, who translated to me that the woman was offering me a “consultation” and it would only cost a few Canadian dollars. Me, who my mom claims will try anything once, agreed, and sat in her chair as Hilary explained the woman was a Chinese traditional medicine doctor and she pulled out a magnifying mirror and some herbs and oils. After a few minutes of examining my skin, the woman explained in English that I was allergic to the sun and to take great care to avoid sun exposure. And then she tried to sell me something, which I declined and off Hilary and I went.
After years of getting sick in the sun and having constant sunburns, I think the Chinese Medicine Woman was right. When I’m in the heat, I feel different- it becomes harder for me to think (and let’s be honest, I’m not a quick wit to start) and it’s like a muddledness or confusion comes over me, and my energy is zapped and I feel like I’m moving through molasses (but I also feel this way after one too many mojitos) and all I want to do is lay down.
Today is another scorcher in the Midwest; it was already 90 by 11am. Guess what is on the agenda for tonight?
So, what’s a gal to do in that sweltering heat?
Take a cool, relaxing bubble bath for two hours. Yes, a two hour bubble bath. Should I be ashamed to write on the internet that I engage in two hour bathing sessions? Well, I never thought I’d have a real shot at politics anyway. I took my cell phone and my Nook and use Johnson & Johnson Calming Baby Bubble Bath and camp out in the bathtub for two hours. Alex Warra slept on the rug by the claw foot tub, I played some Mumford & Sons on the Ipod, and finished reading Harlan Coben’s newest novel, all while in the luxuriously cool, lavender infused bath water.
And then my dad called. We chatted for a minute and he once again reminded me not to “get married to a fool” and then asked me if I’d give him my Volvo. I don’t have a Volvo to give him, and at that point, I figured the conversation had left Lucid Ville. And then, he surprised me by saying “And make sure you stay out of the heat, you know how the sun and heat makes you so sick.”
By saying that, my father, who ninety per cent of the time lives in his own world, had remembered something that surely hadn’t been brought to his attention in over twenty years. As a child, and even now, as an adult, the heat has a way of making me faint, experience vertigo and bring on stomach aches. When I was little, I would ignore the signs and insist on playing out all day with my brother and his friends, the results would always be severe sun burn and heat exhaustion. I religiously put on the highest SPF sun block I can find, but I have a pink tinge to my skin all year around.
Several years ago (during the SARS epidemic, but that’s another story), a friend of mine from Hong Kong and I went to Toronto for spring break. We had a great time, and one of the things we did is go to China Town. Hilary wanted to get a Hong Kong style facial and I declined, instead using the time to look around the Chinese mall.
When I came back to the salon area, a Chinese woman said something to Hilary, who translated to me that the woman was offering me a “consultation” and it would only cost a few Canadian dollars. Me, who my mom claims will try anything once, agreed, and sat in her chair as Hilary explained the woman was a Chinese traditional medicine doctor and she pulled out a magnifying mirror and some herbs and oils. After a few minutes of examining my skin, the woman explained in English that I was allergic to the sun and to take great care to avoid sun exposure. And then she tried to sell me something, which I declined and off Hilary and I went.
After years of getting sick in the sun and having constant sunburns, I think the Chinese Medicine Woman was right. When I’m in the heat, I feel different- it becomes harder for me to think (and let’s be honest, I’m not a quick wit to start) and it’s like a muddledness or confusion comes over me, and my energy is zapped and I feel like I’m moving through molasses (but I also feel this way after one too many mojitos) and all I want to do is lay down.
Today is another scorcher in the Midwest; it was already 90 by 11am. Guess what is on the agenda for tonight?
Saturday, July 9, 2011
Saturday Mornings
I've always loved Saturday mornings. When I was little, Saturday mornings were about Saturday Morning Cartoons, rough housing with my brothers, my mom and dad making breakfast and then spending the day outside playing. In high school Saturday mornings were about catching up on glorious sleep, waking up and spending a few hours in bed with a book. College Saturday mornings were about sleeping off the night before or working. In graduate school, leisurely Saturday mornings were few and far between, but they'd involve breakfast with roommates, trips to the farmers market, running to the library.
And then there's Now Saturday Mornings. And even Now Saturday Mornings get divided into With-K and Without-K. With-K Saturday Mornings were amazing (of course!). We'd lay in bed, do errands, go to the zoo, the parks, the botanical gardens, farmers market, ride bikes, just do fun things. Without-K Saturday Mornings are b-o-r-i-n-g. Boring. I try to be peppy and make plans for brunch with friends or do errands, something to distract me about the fact that it is Saturday morning and K's not here. One thing K and I would do on some Saturday mornings is go to Forest Park and watch the wedding party pictures. K does not like doing it, but would grudgingly sit with me for a bit before moving on, and after an argument about watching the pictures take place, I remember thinking "fine, when he's gone, I'll come by myself and sit here the entire morning and watch."
I can't. I don't know why, but the things that we did together, I avoid as much as possible. I avoid the Botanical Gardens, that I l-o-v-e and spent a lot of time there before I was with K. The restaurants K and I frequented, I forget they exist, instead preferring to try new ones that are not associated with K. I think the reason I avoid these things is because they're a painful reminder that K is not here. And while I can hear my mom saying to me, "Oh, but be happy with the memories you have there and that you had a chance to make those memories," the truth is, the memories are hurtful of what I don't have right now.
So, it's Saturday morning. I was prepped to go to the Botanical Gardens, but then decided against it. Maybe I won't get up the nerve to go to the Botanical Gardens or Art Museum today, but I promise myself I will get out of the yoga pants and do something.
And then there's Now Saturday Mornings. And even Now Saturday Mornings get divided into With-K and Without-K. With-K Saturday Mornings were amazing (of course!). We'd lay in bed, do errands, go to the zoo, the parks, the botanical gardens, farmers market, ride bikes, just do fun things. Without-K Saturday Mornings are b-o-r-i-n-g. Boring. I try to be peppy and make plans for brunch with friends or do errands, something to distract me about the fact that it is Saturday morning and K's not here. One thing K and I would do on some Saturday mornings is go to Forest Park and watch the wedding party pictures. K does not like doing it, but would grudgingly sit with me for a bit before moving on, and after an argument about watching the pictures take place, I remember thinking "fine, when he's gone, I'll come by myself and sit here the entire morning and watch."
I can't. I don't know why, but the things that we did together, I avoid as much as possible. I avoid the Botanical Gardens, that I l-o-v-e and spent a lot of time there before I was with K. The restaurants K and I frequented, I forget they exist, instead preferring to try new ones that are not associated with K. I think the reason I avoid these things is because they're a painful reminder that K is not here. And while I can hear my mom saying to me, "Oh, but be happy with the memories you have there and that you had a chance to make those memories," the truth is, the memories are hurtful of what I don't have right now.
So, it's Saturday morning. I was prepped to go to the Botanical Gardens, but then decided against it. Maybe I won't get up the nerve to go to the Botanical Gardens or Art Museum today, but I promise myself I will get out of the yoga pants and do something.
Wednesday, June 29, 2011
Wednesday, June 22, 2011
Things that make ME happy.
My cat has (finally) learned to play without his claws.
When I’m reading a magazine or newspaper, Alex Warra will jump up and knock it from my hands so he gets attention. I remember doing the same thing when I was little- I’d flick the newspaper my dad was trying to read at the breakfast table.
Black dresses.
Black, patent leather peep-toe wedges.
Reality television.
A clean litter box.
My Nook filled with books yet to be read.
Making it to the 10:30am Mass.
Facials. . . . ahhhh, I skipped out of work early one day last week to get a
facial. It’s a magical experience.
Pink nail polish. And pink office accessories.
Laughing.
Aquariums.
Snuggling into K’s backside when I’m falling asleep.
Bubble baths.
Cadillacs.
Riding trains.
Babies.
Lilacs and hydrangeas.
Museums.
Almond milk.
Seahorses.
Talking to my nephews in PNG.
Buying gifts for others.
Documentaries.
Trivia.
Botanical gardens.
When I’m reading a magazine or newspaper, Alex Warra will jump up and knock it from my hands so he gets attention. I remember doing the same thing when I was little- I’d flick the newspaper my dad was trying to read at the breakfast table.
Black dresses.
Black, patent leather peep-toe wedges.
Reality television.
A clean litter box.
My Nook filled with books yet to be read.
Making it to the 10:30am Mass.
Facials. . . . ahhhh, I skipped out of work early one day last week to get a
facial. It’s a magical experience.
Pink nail polish. And pink office accessories.
Laughing.
Aquariums.
Snuggling into K’s backside when I’m falling asleep.
Bubble baths.
Cadillacs.
Riding trains.
Babies.
Lilacs and hydrangeas.
Museums.
Almond milk.
Seahorses.
Talking to my nephews in PNG.
Buying gifts for others.
Documentaries.
Trivia.
Botanical gardens.
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
A Letter to Myself
It's so easy to see other people's problems, but difficult to recognize one's own.
As a social worker, as a person, I've seen problems that have cropped up in others' personal relationships. The past several months, I've denied, glossed over and made excuses for the problems in my own relationship. I'm writing this out now, so that in the coming days (okay, hours), weeks and months, when I get the urge to pick up the phone, or send an email or check facebook, I can look at this letter to myself and hopefully find the courage to keep moving and not falter.
Dear Jessica,
First let me tell you that I do understand what you're feeling right now. To love someone so much and work at holding on to a relationship even as it crumbles is painful. But to heal, and to move on, and to be the person you want and need to be, you need to remember these things:
1. No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE, has the right to call you worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, a bitch, an asshole or any other derogatory name. The person who screams at you that you are all those things, doesn't deserve your time, energy and least of all your devotion and excuses for such behavior.
2. As hard as this is to hear, it is better to move on today than a year later or five years later. Each day you waste on trying to salvage this relationship makes you older and more scarred. It's better to be 30 and single than 34 and in a hate-filled, soul-sucking relationship.
3. Let go of the dream. Countless hours have been spent planning and working toward a future, and sadly those dreams have to die. But, they die to make room for something better than what you can imagine right now. It's hard to get the picture of the life you had thought about, that you made choices to work towards, but you have to realize those dreams will not be a reality. If someone is going to call you names, break simple promises and desert you, do you really think that person is going to be a responsible husband and a doting father? Of course not. Move on.
4. You, better than anyone, knows this relationship will not work out. You know by that knot that forms in your gut, the anxiety that is with you always, the sleepless nights. Trust your instincts, they're always spot on and have saved you from disaster many times before, let them save you now.
5. Stop the excuses, for him and for you. To sound cliche, but true, love shouldn't hurt. Love isn't about controlling someone, dominating them, demeaning them, being disrespectful. Do not excuse this behavior with anymore of "it's cultural differences" or "it'll be better when we're together." Most importantly, absolutely, right now, stop those confidence robbing thoughts that creep in at your weakest moments, those thoughts of "well, if I was a better person, he'd treat me better." Have you not realized he'd just as easily call Mother Teresa a "worthless piece of trash" just as easily as he called you that? He would.
The writing is on the wall, this relationship has crossed the boundary of just being bad to being abusive. You know this, and you cannot salvage it. We don't need to list out all the names he's called you, all the insults he hurled (oh, except for the one about him threatening to have a baby with someone else and making you raise it), all the times he has lied, broken trust, or disrespected and demeaned you.
This is going to hurt, and every time you read it, it will feel like pulling a medical-grade band aid off:
He doesn't love you. No matter how many times he comes back with "I'll change" and "let's make it work," the truth is he does not love you, he does not value you and he does not care and respect you. I'm sorry, it's the truth.
And as much as that hurt, know this truth as well:
You deserve better. You are lovable. Your life will go on. You deserve happiness, respect, kindness, love, honest. At the very least you deserve these things. And you will get them.
So, you get one day to really cry it out, wallow in the hurt. One day. But honestly, you've cried enough over this stupid bastard that really, there shouldn't be any tears left. You get one day to cry it out and then you have to move on and continue life. Of course, you'll feel sad for a long time and for a while, every single day will start and end with a thought about him, but it will get better.
I promise. And we both know I fight like hell to keep my promises.
Sincerely,
You
As a social worker, as a person, I've seen problems that have cropped up in others' personal relationships. The past several months, I've denied, glossed over and made excuses for the problems in my own relationship. I'm writing this out now, so that in the coming days (okay, hours), weeks and months, when I get the urge to pick up the phone, or send an email or check facebook, I can look at this letter to myself and hopefully find the courage to keep moving and not falter.
Dear Jessica,
First let me tell you that I do understand what you're feeling right now. To love someone so much and work at holding on to a relationship even as it crumbles is painful. But to heal, and to move on, and to be the person you want and need to be, you need to remember these things:
1. No one, and I mean absolutely NO ONE, has the right to call you worthless, stupid, fat, ugly, a bitch, an asshole or any other derogatory name. The person who screams at you that you are all those things, doesn't deserve your time, energy and least of all your devotion and excuses for such behavior.
2. As hard as this is to hear, it is better to move on today than a year later or five years later. Each day you waste on trying to salvage this relationship makes you older and more scarred. It's better to be 30 and single than 34 and in a hate-filled, soul-sucking relationship.
3. Let go of the dream. Countless hours have been spent planning and working toward a future, and sadly those dreams have to die. But, they die to make room for something better than what you can imagine right now. It's hard to get the picture of the life you had thought about, that you made choices to work towards, but you have to realize those dreams will not be a reality. If someone is going to call you names, break simple promises and desert you, do you really think that person is going to be a responsible husband and a doting father? Of course not. Move on.
4. You, better than anyone, knows this relationship will not work out. You know by that knot that forms in your gut, the anxiety that is with you always, the sleepless nights. Trust your instincts, they're always spot on and have saved you from disaster many times before, let them save you now.
5. Stop the excuses, for him and for you. To sound cliche, but true, love shouldn't hurt. Love isn't about controlling someone, dominating them, demeaning them, being disrespectful. Do not excuse this behavior with anymore of "it's cultural differences" or "it'll be better when we're together." Most importantly, absolutely, right now, stop those confidence robbing thoughts that creep in at your weakest moments, those thoughts of "well, if I was a better person, he'd treat me better." Have you not realized he'd just as easily call Mother Teresa a "worthless piece of trash" just as easily as he called you that? He would.
The writing is on the wall, this relationship has crossed the boundary of just being bad to being abusive. You know this, and you cannot salvage it. We don't need to list out all the names he's called you, all the insults he hurled (oh, except for the one about him threatening to have a baby with someone else and making you raise it), all the times he has lied, broken trust, or disrespected and demeaned you.
This is going to hurt, and every time you read it, it will feel like pulling a medical-grade band aid off:
He doesn't love you. No matter how many times he comes back with "I'll change" and "let's make it work," the truth is he does not love you, he does not value you and he does not care and respect you. I'm sorry, it's the truth.
And as much as that hurt, know this truth as well:
You deserve better. You are lovable. Your life will go on. You deserve happiness, respect, kindness, love, honest. At the very least you deserve these things. And you will get them.
So, you get one day to really cry it out, wallow in the hurt. One day. But honestly, you've cried enough over this stupid bastard that really, there shouldn't be any tears left. You get one day to cry it out and then you have to move on and continue life. Of course, you'll feel sad for a long time and for a while, every single day will start and end with a thought about him, but it will get better.
I promise. And we both know I fight like hell to keep my promises.
Sincerely,
You
Monday, June 13, 2011
$497 Ticket to Ride the Merry-Go-Round
It’s the middle of the night and I’m waiting for K to arrive back to where he can access the internet so we can have a few minutes to skype. Starting last weekend, I had begun to feel bad with severe fatigue and sinus pain, and chalked it up to sinus and/or allergy issues. Monday, was a particularly unpleasant day with a headache and sinus pressure. Again, I thought it was nothing that some Dayquil couldn’t fix, until I was driving home and these sharp pains started in the back of my head and into my ears and my nose started bleeding. As soon as I got back from my site visit, the next morning I went to UrgentCare and the dx was a sinus infection and an ear infection. While the antibiotic seems to have cleared up the infections, the fatigue isn’t gone. I usually wake up around 6am, but this weekend, I slept in until 9 both days. I just can’t shake the exhaustion. So, tonight, K called at 1am and now I’m awake, awaiting his plane 9,000 miles away to land and for him to get back to the office so we can talk.
If the subject matter of the topic wasn’t so important, I would just go back to sleep. But, I don’t think you can call someone at 1am, tell them life-altering news and expect them to go back to sleep, when suddenly everything has changed.
By the way, did I mention my cell phone bill is $497? Yep. Huge mistakes.
Maybe I shouldn’t be writing when it’s after 2 am, I’m exhausted and frustrated. The thing is, I am so frustrated and exhausted. This relationship with K is a horrible, god-awful mess and I don’t think it’s salvageable at this point. I hate the feelings the end of a relationship bring- the unease, the discomfort, the utter sadness. I have worked my absolute hardest to cobble this relationship together across the miles, and I can’t do it alone. I shouldn’t have to do it alone. The hardest part of saying goodbye is the back sliding. The ‘okay, it’s over, no more contact’ is soon followed by a text message, and then communication starts up again, and then the vicious cycle of hurt-disappointment-anger-sadness continues again.
I’m going to try to get off this merry-go-round. One more time.
If the subject matter of the topic wasn’t so important, I would just go back to sleep. But, I don’t think you can call someone at 1am, tell them life-altering news and expect them to go back to sleep, when suddenly everything has changed.
By the way, did I mention my cell phone bill is $497? Yep. Huge mistakes.
Maybe I shouldn’t be writing when it’s after 2 am, I’m exhausted and frustrated. The thing is, I am so frustrated and exhausted. This relationship with K is a horrible, god-awful mess and I don’t think it’s salvageable at this point. I hate the feelings the end of a relationship bring- the unease, the discomfort, the utter sadness. I have worked my absolute hardest to cobble this relationship together across the miles, and I can’t do it alone. I shouldn’t have to do it alone. The hardest part of saying goodbye is the back sliding. The ‘okay, it’s over, no more contact’ is soon followed by a text message, and then communication starts up again, and then the vicious cycle of hurt-disappointment-anger-sadness continues again.
I’m going to try to get off this merry-go-round. One more time.
Friday, June 3, 2011
Today, I sent off K’s birthday present to Papua New Guinea. His birthday isn't until July, but I wanted to give postal officials plenty of time to deliver it.
Work has been brutal the past two weeks. I’m a social worker and when I did clinical social work, the term ‘brutal’ would have been used to describe gut-wrenching situations or devastating circumstances. Now that I’m in academia, the term brutal is used to describe any of the following conditions:
• working with people that have egos bigger than fucking Saturn
• being managed by someone who regularly plagiarizes your ideas
• conducting site visits in rural Missouri and being evacuated due to tornados
The past two weeks were all of the above. As a social worker, I’ve been in some serious ‘what-the-fuck’ situations. Typically, those situations come as a result of mental or cognitive disabilities. In academia, I’m not really sure why the fuck people do the stupid shit they do. Anyways, it’s been a rough two weeks and I can cross ‘almost died in a Baptist church basement in the middle of Missouri with a Jack Russell terrier, twenty preschoolers and two chain smokers’ off of my bucket list. When I got home yesterday from my site visits, I was happy to have K’s birthday present preparation serve as a distraction. And no, I didn't really send Alex Warra to PNG.
K is a fun person to shop for, because he appreciates any gift. He told me once that he never got a gift for his birthday when he was little. And it wasn’t because his family was poor, but because it’s just not done in his culture. Imagine that combined with ‘gift giving’ being my language of love and you know there are a few hurt feelings occasionally. K likes to read and new books are hard to come by in PNG, so I go to bookstores and spend time finding books I’ll know he’ll like. It makes me feel good, selecting what he likes, knowing he’ll soon be reading it, and I smile when I think of him holding a book that I bought him and sent to him. Along with his books, I sent him some t-shirts, baseball hats, DVDs, some American candy (PopRocks!), GIS computer software, and a few other little things. I also included some gifts for his family that he can pass on to them. I’m trying very hard to win the title of Best Auntie and that requires bribery and gifts.
I miss K. A dozen times a day I realize he’s not here. I still miss him and even though he left almost a year ago, the missing-my-best-friend feeling hasn’t diminished.
Work has been brutal the past two weeks. I’m a social worker and when I did clinical social work, the term ‘brutal’ would have been used to describe gut-wrenching situations or devastating circumstances. Now that I’m in academia, the term brutal is used to describe any of the following conditions:
• working with people that have egos bigger than fucking Saturn
• being managed by someone who regularly plagiarizes your ideas
• conducting site visits in rural Missouri and being evacuated due to tornados
The past two weeks were all of the above. As a social worker, I’ve been in some serious ‘what-the-fuck’ situations. Typically, those situations come as a result of mental or cognitive disabilities. In academia, I’m not really sure why the fuck people do the stupid shit they do. Anyways, it’s been a rough two weeks and I can cross ‘almost died in a Baptist church basement in the middle of Missouri with a Jack Russell terrier, twenty preschoolers and two chain smokers’ off of my bucket list. When I got home yesterday from my site visits, I was happy to have K’s birthday present preparation serve as a distraction. And no, I didn't really send Alex Warra to PNG.
K is a fun person to shop for, because he appreciates any gift. He told me once that he never got a gift for his birthday when he was little. And it wasn’t because his family was poor, but because it’s just not done in his culture. Imagine that combined with ‘gift giving’ being my language of love and you know there are a few hurt feelings occasionally. K likes to read and new books are hard to come by in PNG, so I go to bookstores and spend time finding books I’ll know he’ll like. It makes me feel good, selecting what he likes, knowing he’ll soon be reading it, and I smile when I think of him holding a book that I bought him and sent to him. Along with his books, I sent him some t-shirts, baseball hats, DVDs, some American candy (PopRocks!), GIS computer software, and a few other little things. I also included some gifts for his family that he can pass on to them. I’m trying very hard to win the title of Best Auntie and that requires bribery and gifts.
I miss K. A dozen times a day I realize he’s not here. I still miss him and even though he left almost a year ago, the missing-my-best-friend feeling hasn’t diminished.
Saturday, May 21, 2011
I.
I am a giver.
I have Maybe Baby Fever.
I want to travel.
I hate bugs.
I love maps. Specifically maps drawn on my back.
I hear my cat meowing at a fly, the fan.
I see my family every three months and that’s not nearly often enough.
I wish that K and I were together.
I fear the days when my momma isn’t a part of my life.
I search for ways to be a better person.
I wonder if being here is the right place to be now.
I regret not a lot, but the things I do regret, I regret deeply.
I always sleep on my belly.
I am not a musician, though I have dreams of rocking out vocals on a stage in a smoky jazz club.
I never thought I’d be 29 and not have babies yet.
I sometimes wish life had fast forward, pause, slow and rewind options.
I need lots of affection.
I should be more organized.
I don’t say goodbye.
I have Maybe Baby Fever.
I want to travel.
I hate bugs.
I love maps. Specifically maps drawn on my back.
I hear my cat meowing at a fly, the fan.
I see my family every three months and that’s not nearly often enough.
I wish that K and I were together.
I fear the days when my momma isn’t a part of my life.
I search for ways to be a better person.
I wonder if being here is the right place to be now.
I regret not a lot, but the things I do regret, I regret deeply.
I always sleep on my belly.
I am not a musician, though I have dreams of rocking out vocals on a stage in a smoky jazz club.
I never thought I’d be 29 and not have babies yet.
I sometimes wish life had fast forward, pause, slow and rewind options.
I need lots of affection.
I should be more organized.
I don’t say goodbye.
Wednesday, May 18, 2011
337 Days Later
When I first started this blog, K hadn’t left yet. Now, he’s been gone for 337 days. That’s astounding to me. Time does pass, and when we look back, it seems that it went by so fast. The reality is that those 337 days have been difficult and has stretched out the fibers of our relationship. In a few weeks our engagement anniversary will be coming up and it’s bittersweet to me. Hmmm . . . maybe more bitter than sweet. Ten days after our engagement anniversary will make a year since K’s left.
Here’s the highlights of the past 337 days without K:
• Started a new job.
• Moved into a new apartment.
• Had wisdom teeth removed. Awful, awful experience.
• Had to post bail due to a traffic ticket issue.
• Had to go to court over driver license expiration.
• Became a mentor through Big Brothers/Big Sisters.
• Adopted a kitten (or as I call him, my little Gold Mine).
• Nursed kitten through the following: ear mites, fleas, conjunctivitis,
worms, yeast infection in the ears.
• Went through 4 managers in the first 6 months of my new position.
• Had my car booted while on a site visit.
• Had my car catch fire in rural Missouri.
• Asked to be the Maid of Honor in two weddings (this is only significant due to the amount of work that is involved in wedding duties).
• Turned 29 (GASP!)
• Went through Catholic Initiation and was officially converted to Catholicism on Easter 2011.
I like to stay busy. So, here is a list of things to be accomplished in the next 337 days:
• Do a marathon.
• Get a promotion.
• Take a vacation with my mom.
• Fulfill my Maid of Honor duties (sigh).
• See K.
• Not turn 30 alone.
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